~Outing~
Saturday, 26 January 2008
Yupyup, so today was a day out with my JC class. There was ah gong, celine, maio sia, yann ming, chloe (kaiyu), shi hua, chao min, jimmy, jun hong, guo hao, david, clement and me. Of course there was the usual late people as well as the early leavers, like celine who had to leave for tutoring and maio sia to her own world, and clement and chao min were both late (as in super late..).
So, we went to sakae
sushi@atrium (douby ghaut btw) and had buffet lunch. The food was okay la.. The sad thing was that the food on the conveyor belt were not so nice till we were near the end of lunch, and we were kinda full to fill in those nice dishes. There were jokes aplenty from guo hao the joker and those on my table had a abundance of laughter.
After lunch we went to arcade, where chloe and shi hua play a ghost busting game. A short while later chloe gave up and I took over. Its really super tiring! When I finished playing with yann ming, my right arm swelled like nobody's business. I got a revelation of the size of my arm in BMT. Afterwards me yann and dav went to play car racing. Super sian.. My drifting cant make it and my car crashed alot of times.. Think I cant handle speeds up over 200km/h.. Played with ah gong and dav as well.. Got 3rd.. Wanna cry.. Btw I saw this aircraft catfight stimulation game there. Its was really cool with the high speeds and the twist and turns. I really admire those who can successfully play through the first few stages, though they cant complete.
Anyway after that, we were on separate paths and soon went home. Not that eventful, but at least its a good start. The future will be better.. haha..
Hmmm.. My mood seemed very bothered today.. Kept thinking about her.. Don't feel like giving up, yet know the cost of not giving up.. I am so confused and uncertain about my position.. Sometimes its upswing and on high and the next moment crash again.. hai.. my fault I guess.. sian..
posted at : 21:17
~Bad day..Sort of..~
Monday, 14 January 2008
As the day approach an end, my headache remains constant. This shows that my headache is independant of the time of the day..
Sian.. The headache came soon after I start my work for the day.. With that sheer amount of dust from the files and the pollutants I breathed earlier while running, I'm sure to get sick. And true it was, I felt nauseous after my dinner and had to go home early.
At least, I finished the hardest part of my work. The rest are easy to do provided that I recover, which I believe tomorrow is the day. My friend even commented that I never took sick leave since I started working (I only took off to play..). Thanks to him, I am sick with slight fever =/
Anyway, my phone throwing tantrum at me (Dorcas forbid me to use the other word..) Due to some profound electrical discharge, my phone's memory ran up from the usual 20MB of used space to 45MB of used space, with 109KB of free space left. All thanks to its mood , I was cut from messages and messaging for yesterday and today (till just now..). I had to delete all my saved messages to receive my belated messages . BUT it was not enough. After my bath, my free memory hit rock bottom at 27KB. I had to delete my theme (3MB) to be able to receive messages again. Think needa send my phone for conselling on work ethics (phone)
Anyway, I must really stop posting stuff about Dorcas and me. Fans are tired of this, and moreover the problem is solved on the day.. Seriously no point..
posted at : 21:30
~An unfruitful morning..~
Just back from my jog from Christ Church Secondary, after sending Dorcas to her workplace (which is at Christ Church of cause!)..
Reflecting back, all the more I question myself:
Why am I sowing seeds on her? It seemed like a waste of time. The moment I met her under her block, I thought we are ready for a conversation, as friends or whatever. Somehow, as many mouth opening and closing with many words coming out, I felt even more distant from her. We had digressed. There was no heart-to-heart talk, but just verbal exchange of information, like the cream she used on her face, her appearance for the day etc. I could see that she wasn't focussed on our conversation, or the lack of it. In the interchange she even admitted that she was searching if she could find her friends! From then on, I know all efforts are useless. Her heart was not there..
What can I do, but just regret that I sent her for her first day of work. I thought it'll cheer her up, dispel her fear, help her to be more positive, but I guess the time was not right for that. I asked myself:
Is this the life I want to live? There is no hope in hoping. Maybe I should just let the seed germinate by itself. However, I fear that by leaving it to itself, it'll die! I am not sure where to go from here..
I forgive her for the hurt she caused; I want to reconsider my plans for me and her. I don't see her as my equal anymore. Instead it feels like I am trying to change her, to suit myself, which is totally impossible, since we are borned naturally different. There is no hope in that relationship..
I want to refocus my life for this year. I want to live a life of higher calling. Last week Sister Sin Man gave me bible study on Life's Greatest Aim: Pursue Love. I had been thinking for this past few days about this, and it came in timely. For this year I make this resolution, to pursue love. I know it will be hard, especially with regard to Dorcas. To all others it will be easier, since I had no previous relationship with them, and so it's easier to love; to Dorcas, I would be concerned about her feelings for me, how I am treated by her etc. I forsee that as the year ends, my relationship with her will be even more complicated. It is a challenge set by God to stretch me. I only fear that I can not handle the stress, that I am not good enough to handle the challenge, and in the end wreck the relationship..
My only hope is in this promise:
"For we know that all things work together for good
to those who love God,
to those who are the called according to His purpose"
-Rom 8:28
It will all be good in the end. Even if I were to hit the worst case senario, I will not be afraid to stand up again.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed is the name of the Lord
(Job 1:21).
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posted at : 08:21
~Friday..~
Saturday, 12 January 2008
So I was busy till today, so now blogging about yesterday..
Yesterday morning I went out for a jog with Dorcas. I was quite uncertain of the outcome, since for the past few outings it had not turn out well, and so I prayed the night before that all will be fine, that our Covenant would be binding. Gave her a wake up call in the morning (cuz I dun trust that she can wake up and call me. Last week's incident where she missed her alarm and we can't jog was still fresh in my mind..), and we went for a jog in the stadium.
We started out fine as usual, maybe a bit tentative. During the jog, we chatted a little on serveral issues (forgotten most of them..) but things took for a turn. I was kinda upset and stopped talking, as she did. At our 7th round, I ran forward by myself (cuz I thought it was the 8th round..). After I realised my mistake, I continue jogging next to her but ignored her all the way..
After our jog we went to clean up. As a guy, I was done earlier and went out for a walk on the track, reflecting on our relationship and clearing my mind. As I reached the finish line, unsure of what inspired me, I turned and saw her walking towards me! I was caught by surprise, as I estimated that she'll take a longer time. Anyway, we went to some other exercise facilities before heading home.
Somehow we just got closer and more relaxed with each other as we reached her block. We ended up seating down and talked about her future career, goals, my recent conversation with my mom etc..
After all these we agreed to meet later for lunch at Causeway Point, my treat (if not she'll be eating bread only =.=) before going, suppose to anyway, to G2000 to buy my shirt as there's discount. Had a fruitful time with her, and got to know that she was tired while jogging, so isn't very focussed on the conversation. Well, forgiven =]
I went for my work, which starts at 12pm, but I thought it was 1pm. In order to make up for it, I had to arrive earlier to do my due, else cut my dinner time short.. ar whateva..
posted at : 11:24
~Thursday..~
This few days been very occupied so no time to blog.. hee..
Hmmm on thursday, my team and I moved on to moving X-Rays files to B2. These files, as thin as they may be, weights like 25-30kg in a bunch! And they were like this thick only:
11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
Textbooks that thick weighs only about 10kg. This isn't the only problem. It can even be minor problem, since the trolley to put the X-Rays are only a short distance away. The real problem is that some of the files in the shelves are really in a mess! Some shelves are OVERFLOWING with X-Rays, that they even pop out considerably and covered half of the passage way, which is only slightly larger than the shoulder width. As I sieve out the 2006 files, I had to flip across the files one-by-one to make sure there isn't any hidden, and yet I had to flip across the files once again to check. Most of the time, I would miss some files. Some of the files are even crumpled and hidden behind all the files, at the back of the shelves =.= . Moreover, all these work are back breaking. After the day I felt both my upper back and lower back hurts.
Well there's one good thing. Time over there passes very quickly. It's like 1hr had passed when it was actually 2hrs! So time flies away.. Haha..
In the evening I had a "cell group dinner" with some of my cell group members. We went to Plaza Sing to have our dinner, suppose to anyway, but as the kids came along, Kel and Sin Man brought them to watch movie. (actual fact was that this was a dinner-cum-movie session, but since all of us don't want to stay out late, most of us forgo the movie.)
The rest of us went Kopitiam to have our dinner. Funny thing was that after our dinner, when all of us were chatting, suddenly random statements came out. Very soon none of us make sense of who's talking what and we just cut the conversation short and went to tcc (The Coffee Connoisseur) to chill. Nothing much happened, just that I choked on my water and nearly died there.
Got home late, sleep even later. Luckily I will be working night shift tomorrow...
posted at : 10:50
Wednesday, 9 January 2008
Our Covenant
(as Best of Friends to each other):
On this Covenant we both made
That whatever the circumstance
Be it the highest or the lowest point
We will stand by each other
In truth and love
Today, tomorrow and the days to come.
-Si Kai, Dorcas
posted at : 23:07
~Forgiven~
I guess I was too overly emotional earlier.. This few weeks had not been very good.. With break-up on New Year Eve, arguments upon arguments, strained relationships, life has been tormenting me.. making me lose alot of hopes and faith..
At least, now I know, that perhaps, for now, I am still something to her (I cant say for future.. too many dashed hopes and dreams.. I fear hope, for it brings much grief...)
She messaged:
Skai.. I'm sorry.. I've been too hot-tempered to you today.. I've thought through our friendship.. You're a very good friend of mine whom I don't want to lose.. I kept setting restrictions, making things difficult for you and saddening you on many occasions.. Sorry.. I dunno isn't partly is it due to my mood swings that I became more temperamental.. But I hope that you can stand by me during this transition state of my life.. I really don't want to turn into an acquaintance.. What you said is true.. Indeed, friends will compromise, but I failed to do that.. Sorry.. Will you accept my apology?
I replied:
Hai.. Why will I not? You are a friend that I cannot afford to lose, a best friend, once a partner.. We shared a long history together with both ups and downs.. [I forgive you]
~End~
P.S. Mood swings does not necessitate to periods, for those who think otherwise. For those-who-think-otherwise, mood swings are rapid emotional upheavals. It occurs when a person is in a transition state, either physically or mentally or both.. Stress is an attributing factor to it, since stress generates hormones that changes moods..
P.S.S. For those who feel mush-ed up over this, well you are not of the age to read.. haha..
posted at : 20:30
~(Dun feel like giving a title)~
Today was a very very sad day for me..
Maybe I really had been holding too tight.. Maybe I really can't give it up.. I still recall, just 2 days ago, I am so convicted to my cause, my vision of both of us together after all these trials.. Yet, after meeting her up to go for job interviews together, I felt, really, that we can't be together for even the future.. Even my vision, my hope with my faith, was blurred..
Initially, I thought all was okay.. We got along just fine, so fine to the extent that I felt as though we were back together again.. Luckily before meeting her, I told myself repeated to watch myself.. We went to
RecruitExpress@Orchard for her job interview, afterwhich we went to B2 where we saw her friend.. During these few times, we had our fair amount of chat and hitting each other (jokingly of cuz..).. I was mindful of the line which she created for us..
It was at Bugis, Fortune Centre, where things took a turn.. I forgot to re-key in the address of the place for my job interview (as I accidentally deleted it the day before..), and we had a hard time trying to find the place.. I called my bro, but he needed to use the toilet for awhile, while my mom isn't home.. In the end I got a chilling from her for not doing things well enough, like adding the contacts etc.. I was like, I know, sorry, but her tone was so sharp.. I forgave on this one, initially..
We went for a walk around Fortune Centre.. So we played a little, and it went to the her newspaper that was in my hands.. She wanted to throw it away, so I pulled out the back of her collar and pretend to stuff it in.. Her face turned black immediately and swiftly took the newspaper and threw it into the dustbin.. Sharply, again, she informed me that she doesn't like people to stuff things into her shirt.. Like I don't know..?
I got enough of this limit crap.. If all friends care about is limits, limits and limits (the closeness to each other), there won't be any progress! Just ask around: Which friendship doesn't involve sacrifices and moving out of comfort zone? Which friendship doesn't involve compromising?
I realised I am not God.. Far from it, I am a human.. I tried to be like Jesus to her, but maybe, I'm just too full of myself.. To her, friends are just people whom you can talk to, but not indept.. To me, friends are true friends; they are people I can trust; they are people I can talk to; they are people whom I am comfortable enough to let them know some of my feelings; they are people whom I can tease; they are people whom I can care for; they are people whom I am unwilling to sacrifice for other things; they are people whom I can give joy, share joy, derive joy from.. Friends to me aren't any roadside acquaintance.. They are important people God place in my life, to support me when I am down, to give support to when they are down.. Simply said: A friend in need is a friend indeed..
I don't feel the value of this relationship anymore.. I don't feel like working for something that simply hurt us.. The more I tried to salvage this relationship, to bring it to its glory, the more hurt I cause on both of us.. I simply don't see any longer..
Not to say its all her fault totally.. She tried to salvage too, in a wrong way.. She said: If you were not to move and try out all possible pathways, we will distance from each other.. My thought was: Why can't you do the job?
Seriously, I don't feel her valuing this relationship.. Its like a relationship easily replaced! She asked for forgiveness.. Under normal circumstance, I would have forgiven, but now I can't! Her sorry was so matter-of-fact.. So what if she knows where she's wrong, but just don't understand it? Can knowledge save? Does she knows the underlying emotional currents? Does she even wish, with fervent desire, to salvage an 8 year long friendship?
I am tired of correcting her.. Tired of trying to make her see.. She's just so stubborn to her thoughts, so self-righteous.. With thoughts on perfection in perfection, she failed to see the perfection in imperfection.. She failed to see the diamond in an uncut diamond..
I walked down the bed of roses.. O' where's she? That imperfect flower with great perfection..
posted at : 19:22
~Simply Life~
Tuesday, 8 January 2008
So today ended.. The day was cool..
I managed to beat my own record of the highest number of medical records pulled out of the shelves.. And completed my work in the children's medical records library, after 1month of spending my time in those cramped corners.. Speaking of 1month, it seemed just yesterday when I first started in that section.. Still remember how slowly I pulled out those records and my big boss remarked: "That's too slow!" Seemed like yesterday, where I would reflect on my life and fought with doubts.. It was a good fight, for I grew closer to the Lord, have greater faith.. Seemed like yesterday, where I would greet my colleagues working in that area.. Tomorrow, I'll be working in a different section.. X-rays section.. Pretty cool about it.. No hopes nor expectations.. Maybe too tired from today to consider them.. Quite happy I managed to savor a few moments of slacking, righteously, for I had no more files to pull in that library and there's no time for my boss (immediate superior) to move me to the X-ray section, since he was busy helping my very sick teammate to complete his job..
Talking about my very sick teammate, he's an interesting fella.. He was from my former Sec School, and knew about me from my ex (my 1st..).. Its such a small world.. How sick was he? Well he took a total of 5 sick leave, went to Genting for 3 days.. He was very "sick".. On the eve of Xmas he took a sick leave, 1day after Xmas went Genting, called in on Monday to report sick =.= yesterday and today reported fever.. Though he isn't paid, and its wrong to judge, I can't help but felt that he's not being very responsible about his work. Its like a leisure to him.. Even while working, he would slack around and talk, do things slowly.. And I was previously so proud of my country's work ethic..
My discipler, seeing this, should be wanting a private chat with me, asking me why didn't I motivate him.. I guessed.. hee..
Btw during my work, which requires me to transit between B1 and B2, I realised something: No one, and I mean NO ONE (except me and my teammates) bothers the direction the lift is going.. There was this once today when I was in B1, today, where the digital arrow of the lift obviously is pointing downwards, and another fella, who wanted to take the lift up, went into the lift. So I thought: Maybe he just wanted to go down with me before taking the lift up. As I entered the lift, he said to me: This lift is going up. (0.0!!!??) [later I pointed out to him that it was actually heading down, and he realised his mistake..] Many other of such incidents, though less serious, happened in the passenger lifts..
Hmm.. Oh ya this morning I was taking the train to Novena.. I was standing and reading newspaper- In the past when I could manage to fight for my seat I would sleep, and sometimes miss my stop of cuz, the worst being at douby ghaut- So today I missed my stop!! OMG!! Standing awake and yet MISS the stop!! Can't believe it..I went to Orchard for a shopping trip..
Anyway I did my accounts today, and hit a cashflow problem =/ The class chalet, Cell group BBq and Cell group dinner is hitting my expenditure hard.. plus the hair cut, the food, hp bills, transport fares.. Omg my mom passed all the bills to me.. And STILL don't allow me financial independence.. I just lent my friend $200, a friend whom I trust, and she kept bugging me about it.. Nothing to say sia..
All in alll.. Cool day..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
posted at : 21:51
Single. Again.
Monday, 7 January 2008
Hai I would not have tot that my 1st post after so long would be a sad one. For those that didn't know, I broke up with my "would-be" girlfriend on the eve of new year. Till now, I have still yet to settle down..
Let see.. This is a probation period set by her, termed by me. It started from the start of Prelims. We were study buddies, and she would frequently come over to my house to study for exams. Actually, its nearly every weekdays. haha.. So our relationship kicked off from there. We started getting closer.. from bro-sis relationship to couple-y. So the tickling gradually turned into hugging.. We also massaged for each other too (with clothes on of cuz... Jian Wei remember that hor.. haha..), and did weekly jogs in the stadium. Its nearly like I'll see her everyday! Moreover as "A" levels approaches, we would stay up late into the night together to do practice papers and I'd call to check her answers, but most of the times we'll get carried away.. haha..
There's also these few times when my mom and bro isn't home; she and I will just take the house as our own and kinda do our own stuffs at our own will (nothing serious happen so relax..) there will be those cliche moments where I'll hug her and study at the same time as well as washing dishes together (mostly its her la.. she insisted..). Then there are times where I'll lie on her lap and sleep (hee hee super blessed..). There is once where I had to leave her at home alone while I go to school for a mock math paper. Its quite an experience, to have a loved one at home waiting for you. You'll really feel such a yearn for your loved one, to hurry home to meet her. Moreover, I took the wrong bus and got home late, but there she is still studying quietly waiting for my arrival, and when me did, gave me a big smile welcoming me home.
There are also times where I went over to her house, when only she was at home. Though main purpose is to study, but as she needs to bathe and such, I'd either help her solve her sums, or lie on her bed and sleep till she's ready. Even then, when she started pulling me up, I would pull her to bed and hugging her to sleep.. Of course, after a while we still had to get up.. And she'll wash my face for me =D .. Really felt so loved by her, though she told me she doesn't know what's love..
Then come those days of trials.. It was after exam and we were both working.. Its really the time I missed her alot.. Maybe its that the situation is so different and I need time to cope.. Compared to A level period, we now have little time for each other.. Moreover in my workplace, the work is so routine, so I have actually time to reflect, which is the time doubt strikes real hard on me.. Many times I tried to counter, but as time passes, my defences became weak, and I began to doubt.. Its really my problem, that I failed to recall the good times.. I told her my problem, that I dun feel that she's putting effort into this relationship, and she got quite upset.. Then there were times I was overcame by my weakness, and she could not forgive me for that, for I knew perfectly well she just cant accept it. But then she still forgave..
Till the last time.. I think she really cannot take it anymore.. Cant really blame her.. I fail to see nor inquire into her heart, her emotions.. I failed to notice that she took quite a beating standing in between me and her mom ( her mom doesn't like me ).. At times when our personality clashes, I failed to see much from her point of view, but insisted on my "philosophical" point.. I really failed her..
Maybe she's right.. We are not compatible.. Maybe as yet, maybe forever.. Till now, part of me still thinks I am right, that my "philosophical" point of view isn't wrong.. Maybe so, but it cost so much just to maintain it.. Is there a practical philosophy? Maybe I am too young to understand as yet..
We broke up on 31/12/07.. A really wrong time to break up, but there wasn't any choice I guess.. The break was deep.. I thought we could still be quite close, but an emotionally line was drawn by her.. I thought we could still be best of friends, teasing each other, but a line of respect was drawn by her.. We are now.. Friends? By my judgement, less than a friend, more than a acquaintance..
I regret this relationship.. Moved on too fast, established too little.. The whole building collapsed..
posted at : 21:59
March 2007
