thAt dAy

2010-02-06T21:22:00.002+08:00

Oooo I think I feel like writing this before I end. I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND XD

Why I love her?

I love her eyes, so round and soft. Love her face, beautiful. Love her smile, warm and bright, like the early morning sun that touches my heart.

I love her character, gentle, humble, caring, sweet, patient, understanding, loving. Her personality: fun, a little wild yet down to earth.

Cant stop falling in love with her. Too nice to want to recover from the fall. Haha Xp

Reflections from the Army

2010-02-06T19:55:00.002+08:00

Some life lessons i learn that I think is applicable for my life ahead.

#1 Bread to live now, Seeds to live in the future.
Things that we do falls into these category: Urgent and Important (UI), Urgent and Not Important (UnI), Not Urgent and Important (nUI), and Not Urgent and Not Important (nUnI). About nUnI I wouldn't say much, but the other 3 are objects of interest. Many times in life we are faced with lots of things to do, and it is important to prioritise work so that maximun output can be gained from the effort we put in. It is common knowledge that, UI comes first, nUI comes next, and UnI comes last. However, it is usually nUI and UnI that are confused and placed in the wrong order under stressful conditions. Different people have different idea of nUI and UnI under different conditions, so I will give an example that is as clear cut as possible. Peeing is a sure waste of time, so we want to cut down as much time as possible, especially when there's a long queue. It certainly is urgent, since it'll bug you till it's out. But it can be solved if one just take a short walk further down to other toilets that have no queue. So relatively, queuing up for toilet is UnI, while looking around for a toilet is nUI. Time efficiency is achieved.

What are some of the things that are not urgent but important. These things are usually those long term issues, like recognising efforts of people, restructuring operations line. Without these efforts, the company will still go on bringing in revenue, but these long term planning will help it to survive the times ahead.

For me personally, I need to invest my time more in these area instead of playing psp. I could develop more lasting relationships with people, and also think about ways to manage them. Alot of times, I would busy myself with things that are UI and UnI. Must change...

#2 Manage 2 level down, and work well with the rest.
I also realise this in Army: you cant really command people around you. Even if your rank is higher, because the fact that you have to have them helping you to manage your work, you cant be bossy around them. The most is to influence their work attitude and ask them for help, and be prepared for rejection.

For people one level down, we have to maintain good relations with them so that they can get the people below them to work. I learnt that we must keep in mind that I myself can only do so little. I need help of my subordinates. So to control them I need people to help.

For people two level down, I just have to be fair to them. Set up appropriate rewards and punishment to enforce proper Regimentation and Discipline. (sounds like RSM lolx.) This is to ensure a system where effort equals appropriate rewards, to get people motivated to work.

(Now under pain, dun feel like writing anymore. logging off now >.<)

-New perspectives...

2010-01-08T22:18:00.002+08:00

I was talking to my subordinate from my company on my way home just now. He was one of the recruit who gave me problems before. I didn't really talk to him before; heck I dunno but I dun really like to talk alot nor for long. But somehow, knowing that I should relate with people more, I tried. I never regret that I did.

We talked about our company, the same gossip as usual. I came to realise that, gossip isn't really that all bad. You can through gossips find out more about a person, and can help to relate better to them. I also got to find out about the ground feelings of an issue or a person, and from there I can learn how to improve myself in the way I carry myself or the way I can improve the system, all from knowing how one's act affect the rest!

We also talked about his current life, how he was given a task by his friend to take care of his sister. His sister broke up recently, and kept going club alone to drink, and worst still, the brother was enlisted only a short while ago. As buddy buddy, he agreed, and indeed he carried it faithfully, even when the girl called him at 3am in the morning to talk. Sometimes I think that gang people have alot of good qualities we often miss out when we stereotype them. Just this example shows the level of trust given, that my subordinate will not make use of this opportunity to do anything to the girl. And for this girl, the gang had rallied and searched high and low for her when she was missing, and when found at her ex-boyfriend's home, they confronted the guy. It's not that they want to pick up a fight, but rather, they felt strong on what they believe. "The guy should have sent the girl back. Have he thought about the worry that the family might have?" Such are the perception of the gang.

One might have heard of the strong values that gang have. They value trust, brotherhood, fighting together, suffering together, defending with their lives for things they believe in. They reminded me of a true blue soldier. Sometimes I wonder if law enforcers, with their hearts in defending this family-nation would be them, what would singapore be.

From him, I also realise the potential benefits of networking. He talked about his friends, how they create business and earn. These are the daredevils, the entreprenuers of the nation. Because they had nothing to lost, they had all to gain. Through their brotherhood, they make contacts, help each other, just like a community. Isnt it cool , that just by bonding, we can be part of this community?

I had come to understand that authoritarian leadership has its limits. It can only get things done. The only way to have a long term satisfactory leadership is through relationships. People will understand, and with empathy and a sense of purpose, for brotherhood, pull through this together.

Maybe inside us, God had intented relationships. That's why we are social beings.

What a week...

2009-12-14T12:17:00.002+08:00

So I am back to blogging. wa the week damn xiong. 1 full week of exercises. now shoulder aching like mad. like gonna break already.

Anyway, I signed up for singapore biathlon next year. yet to take swim trial though. the requirement is 30laps in 40min!! waa dunno whether can make it anot. haven train. haha.

yay one more outfield to ORd. cant wait to recover from all the stupid injuries from outfield. especially those feet!

Next year gonna be fun! Enrolling in School of Theology, then going to NTU NBS for Accountancy. CCAs and many many many more! Not to forget the overseas trip to Aussie. hee.. Did i forget about Standard Chartered Marathon?

Woo excited! ^^

My relationship, an introduction

2009-10-24T10:31:00.004+08:00

Hmmm if you still dunno, i'm attached for 7mths already. with this girl called Xiu Wen. She was my secondary school classmate and is my cell group mate. This post shall serve as an introduction to ward of potential interviews and press conference about us. haha..

Actually between us we will agree that we could never imagine ourselves like this since secondary, until it happened. In secondary school days, we would be in our own clique and never really talk to each other. It was after she out-of-the-blue one day came to ask me to attend her church service during the year end holiday that we started talking to each other.

Before I was asked to church with her, my impression was that she's lazy. During sec 1 years she will always be sleeping in class. It's really a wonder she could get into the school's best class with me in sec 3! At least over the years she was less lazy, as in wasn't caught sleeping anymore. haha..

Anyway, so we maintained an acquaintance kind of a relationship born out of weekly service and cell group meetings. But we never really got close. During JC years we were in different schools pursuing different dreams. It was really when we went for church services on saturdays that we talk to each other, as we would meet with the younger kids together. There was fun and laughter, but it just stopped there.

It was really last year that things took a turn. I broke up with my 2nd ex, or rather she dumped me, on a very nice date, 31dec 2007. It was because my ex was my childhood flame, my hopes were high up, my vision for us clear. When it ended my heart fell sick for a long time, with excuriating pain. I decided, that no longer will I pursue relationships, but friendship. I wanted to expand my social circle, but at that time many of my JC friends were enlisted already. I turned to cell group friends, and found her.

It was the 3rd week on the Wednesday of January 2008 when I asked her and another guy, Tiong Kun out for dinner. Still reeling from my pain, I sought comfort in them. They were my distraction from the pain, and I enjoyed the time we spent. I sent her home that night, because TK won't, and from then on it became a habit.

We continued this dinner for a few times. There's ample opportunity to send her home, like after service, after cell group, and along the way we talk and talk. It's just amazing what we can talk about, or how we sustained talking and never run out of topics. Come to think of it, she made me love talking to her, and even now I believe in talking things through. Then there as she wanted to work, I brought her into my workplace. We would talk through work, have lunch together, go home together. We even took a walk from Enuos (near our workplace) all the way to Suntec! It's just amazing. I just love that friendship.

There were times when the pain was so great, but she would be there to comfort me. I still remembered the day when we went up the marsiling hill one evening to look at the stars. I broke down and cried in front of her, confessing my pain. She brought me out of it. She was really a great friend.

Then I enlisted. Still, I sent her home whenever possible. She was such a good friend to me, comfort me when I'm down, and we'll entertain each other till I sent her home.

It was somewhere in July that I found out that she had a liking for me since we worked together. I was upset of course! Our friendship was built on trust and being truthful to each other. That was how it should be, or so I thought. Nevertheless, even if she were to confess, I can only appreciate and treat her better, for my heart was still with my ex. She told me that she realised it would be impossible for me to give her my heart, and so she decided to give up feelings for me. I hated myself. I hated my heart for being so stubborn, hated myself for not knowing earlier. Who would be so nice to me? It was grappling for me, but our friendship still held on.

My heart took a year to recover. By the start of this year, I was ready to love again. Perhaps the foundation was well laid, all things were already in place. My heart felt for her soon after I got over my pain. I couldn't believe myself actually. I was like, serious!? I had never thought I would like her before!

I gave myself 3 weeks to feel it through, if it is for real or I'm just desperate. I observed her as well, to see if there could be a relationship worth undertaking. I found out that I love her character, alot. She was so selfless, so fun-loving, so truthful and pure. She was like perfect, my ideal.

I decided to confess on 7Feb 09. It was a saturday, after service, after I sent her home, and I messaged to confess (I have no balls to tell her directly... ). The following 3 weeks was crucial, for I knew I was given a chance to prove it. I was on a 8-5 course in boon lay area, and so I met her just everyday evening for dinner and sending her home. 14Feb was our first date. We weren't in BGR yet, so it's just some casual date. I treated her, brought her to movies, just like any other couples do.

It was on 25th Feb that she confessed to me. I was upset that the day before she hid something from me. I thought our relationship was based on trust and truthfulness. On trying to appease me with all the cold jokes which was to no avail, she confessed. Haha what a weird way to get someone to confess, but it just goes to show how much she like me that even though she isn't confident of the relationship, she'll go all out to make me happy.

The usual things go, where we talk on the phone till late night when I'm in camp, I'll send her home after service. Like a saying, time apart make the heart grow flounder. During the first 2 weeks of my men's enlistment, we confessed our love for each other.

Till now, we still confess our love ever so frequently, on messages or just saying it out. Our love just grow stronger and surer. Thank the Lord for blessing me with this girl..

Xiu Wen, I love ya~

My AARM experience~

2009-10-23T16:48:00.002+08:00

It's a long time since I last blogged. Many things happened, but one significant one would be during AARM period.

AARM stands for Asean Armies Rifles Meet. It started on 12Oct 09 and ended on 20Oct 09. It is a period where Asean Armies come together to compete to identify the best shooter in the region in these few weapon classification: pistol, carbine, rifle, and machine gun. For this year, Singapore is hosting it and my battalion has been tasked to oversee the range operations.

So, for such a big event, where do I fit in? Well, I am tasked to oversee the butt area of the range. Basically, I am to ensure the correct targets are up for shooters to fire, and since I don't work alone, am also to ensure the safety of everyone in the butt area. Sounds dangerous, but actually not, since we have a shelter to run into which prevents any round from hitting us. Very safe.

Anyway what inspired me to blog about it is, as mentioned, my experience. I had to deal with Neutral Officers who were there to ensure fair play, but during the actual shooting they were with my butt party in the shelter. Not many of them can speak english, so I didn't, or rather I couldn't so I didn't try, to talk to them. Some of my men are Malays so they could talk with the Indonesian and Malaysian Neutrals, and one of them, who likes to go Thai pub in Singapore, interact with the Thailand Neutral.

There was this very friendly Myammar Neutral who likes to talk, but because of language barrier, made it very very Very hard to understand him. It was so tough I kept hoping that he wouldn't come to the butt to be Neutral, but it's a blind hope anyway. I had to put all communication skills into play, like reconfirming what he said, speak slowly, do some hand actions.. Really very tough. Felt like giving up on him, but not very nice to. You know how life is full of these conflicting decisions? It has rewards of course. Guess what? He gave me a jade pendant keychain! It's real jade! You can identify it by holding it and it will feel cool even if the day is very warm. However, I think the real benefit is a lifeskill, that I listen instead of hear. Your girlfriend will tell you how much that differs. Haha..

After all that, here's the main point of the blog. I learned to lead. From my men's BMT till now, I had not been a good section commander. My section is worst performing, high rate of people taking medical leave each week and people with attitude problem. As a NSF 2nd sergeant, I am suppose to be an example to the rest of my commanders, but heck, look at my men. I really dunno how to lead I guess.

I tried to follow the styles of other more successful colleagues. They are more relax with the men, talk with them more, and the men really do things for them. I really admired them being able to lead, so I follow suit. But, it wasn't really my style. I really dunno how to draw the line, and nearly got into trouble with my battalion's disciplinarian. That was when I talked with my RSM and learned how to manage the men more effectively.

All these while I am waiting for a chance to change my image and show my men that I am no longer who I was before, and I am going to manage them in a new way. Previously I was on the extreme, either very harsh and punish them for every mistake, or very kind till they stepped over my head. Now I am going to lead by example, and through this motivate, encourage, nag if necessary, scold if needed, and punish when there's no choice.

AARM was my chance. I lead a fresh group of men, mixed from people in my section and other platoons. It was a new environment, a new atmosphere. I guessed that I'd set the tone right. I told them on the first day, that I will not be bothered by what they do, as long as they follow my order when I give them, put work first and never breach safety. Initially it was hard. I was not used to it, so I bothered myself with PSP, developing controlled heck care attitude. When two of my men tried to slack away, I reprimanded them in front of the rest and warned them. But for most parts, I tried to motivate them with my enthusiasm, with the vision of an end, especially when the weather is getting hot and no one feels like working. Occasionally, I would get irritated due to the weather, and got a bit snappy, but I would control it by drinking ice water, play PSP, or sharing feelings. Sometimes, in anticipation of long matches, I would buy 100plus and some tibits for them. It helped I think. In the end, we had a successful relationship as a working team.

Now as we move back to our military phase, I will be trying to integrate this style into my military life. I will commit myself to be a leader, not just a commander. I will interact with the men, share feelings, motivate and encourage. I know it will not be easy, but still worth a try. A communications lecturer said that communication skill is like a muscle, we have to work on it. Initially it'll be hard, just like lifting weights for the first time will be hard, but we'll get better by exercising it. I want to gain leadership skill during my tenure in my National Service.

Like what I learnt in communication studies in NTU (I crashed the lecture with the help of my girlfriend Xp), leadership is effective participation. I have to participate actively in my section, understand their needs and wants and build group morale and discourage egocentric behaviour. I will learn to promote co-operative behaviour, and only in emergency situation will I consider a win-lose authoritative approach.

Let me make this NS life something enjoyable for both me and my men.

~A new stance

2009-08-08T11:52:00.000+08:00

My section has a man named Xavier. A problem child. Lately, the problems he gave me got me moving.

He was with my platoon since BMT. All along I knew he was playful, he talks before he thinks, having not much respect for authorities. Yet I still kept him. I trusted him. He said he want to stay..

I'm still living my regret for keeping him, for giving my trust to the wrong person. I know, that I know, that I know, I cannot trust that he will make do his words. Somehow, I was persuaded to let him in.

I had enough. Not only he does his attitude turned for the worst, he is influencing others to feel so as well. Alex, a good soldier, a good man, is starting to be like him.

I need to move decisively, and fast. Now it's the time to raise up the standard and show no mercy to the bad-eggs. I'm not against him, just against the way he thinks, and the power he wields that get people to think like him.

I shall stand up and pull him down. I had been too kind. People said I'm too kind, that even when I'm scolding, I'm still approachable. All the rules and doctrines are with me.

Now it's the time..

My (dead) blog

2009-07-27T11:37:00.000+08:00

zz..
the blog is so sian..
so black.
so dull..
no wonder so dead..
gonna change soon..
Rrrr!

-no title-

2009-07-17T19:14:00.002+08:00

Just feel, so lost. And the wind so chill.

It was never my intention to hurt you, nor my will to be vengeful. Things just got out of hand..

I hate it when you said you'd seen my true colours, cuz that wasn't, i'm sure. That wasn't. Why should you tolerate?

Oh my is relationship that tough to handle?

It's just me and my lack in tact, that made us what we are. Felt so useless life's meaningless. I wanna change I need guidance. Back to the beginning, back to the first love.

Still, I love you.

Give me, some time.

Trust me, again..

Day 3

2009-07-17T16:53:00.003+08:00

Wonder why I am blogging? Cuz I have too much time in my hands..

This week had been so hard on me, my body gave in and I got Att C (Medical Leave, as civilians call it). I had guard duty on monday, then the next day I am not given rest in the morning, plus at night I had to send fever personnels to PLAB to seek medical attention, got to sleep only at 3 am and wake up at 6.45 for first parade. wth.. So my body responded with cough in the morning, proceeding with fever at 38.3 in the evening. With that, I gotten myself 7 days Att C and skipped outfield, to return only at the end of another phase.

Seriously this wasn't a good time for my company. There's just so much medical conditions going on, like H1N1 etc, and a number of our men got medical leave. Guess we gotta work hard training them on the things they missed.

Updates..?

2009-06-27T21:23:00.002+08:00

Updating updating...

Alright for the Month of June, it was a super sadded month for me. My weekends are like burnt to flames.. Then the PS course so mentally torturing. Over there they just keep eating into my sleeping time. End up my mood so so bad.. I outburst again within 1 month..

So far so good. My r/s with my gf is going towards greater heights! My greatest memory would be on 140609, where over the sunset, we kissed. Hahaha so romantic!! oh my..

Aiya i also dunno what to update.. I really changed my perception of army.. I guess it demands just too much of my time.. I considered extending my army ORD date before, but now I think it's just pointless. It's like they abuse the fact that you are required to serve and forget their core value.

Eg. My coursemate had just ended a field camp in tekong on friday, having a graduation ceremony to attend for that course on sat, and have to book in that night for some live firing, and the following day he'll be in tekong again for 6 days! oh my how tough can it get?

Army not for me la...

~CMI june~

2009-06-20T23:20:00.002+08:00

Wa i hate this june man. just makes me hate army all the more.

I have like weekends guard duty, followed by ps course with 6 day work week.

my schedule is like, 1 weekend every week.

Next week is my field camp. Army directive says no hp. Ai gonna miss talking to my darling..

What's worst is that there's field camp again the following week by my unit, and my unit is known to have extended field camp...

5 weeks of super short breaks.. go church go out with gf.. gonna burn out soon..

Sian... Army destroys life..

Love is selfish; learn to let go?

2009-05-01T20:59:00.002+08:00

The seasons come and go,
birds fly high in the sky.
I stand alone,
relenting to my loneliness.

A bird fell into my hands.
A small chick,
bruised, crying out softly in my palms.
A sound that echoed in my heart.

Days when by as it got well.
Seeing it gaining strength,
I danced to the rhythm of its song.
It filled me with presence.

Then came a sound,
chirping from afar.
Suddenly the bird flew out,
to meet its long lost companions.
My heart jumped,
and soon I realised,
I slipped back to that quiet world.

Cool breeze of the night played across my cheeks.
Silence of the night chilled my soul.
As I stand again, looking out,
a familiar chirping came again.
The bird flew into my hands,
and made its home in the warmth.
I leaped for joy!

It stayed few a days,
breaking into that familiar flight of the dawn.
My heart grew, and cherished these times,
the secret relationship we shared.

At the sound from afar it flew again,
away,
into the depths of the sky.
I prayed, I hoped,
for my heart longs,
for that beautiful presence.

That night it came once again,
back to its cosy home.

The stark night shone its light on me.
I wondered, as it slept soundly.
I wondered,

Am I wrong to feel that prink in my heart?

~Updates~

2009-04-19T16:43:00.001+08:00

Lets see where to begin:

I'm in Army.
My recruits came in.
My Platoon Sergeant coincidentally gonna ORD soon.
I am now the acting PS while waiting for new PS.
PS job super sian.
Attend those cohort meeting which is long and draggy.
Mostly those 2lt and msg and cpt and 1sg doing the talking.
I am so lost at times.
I just look at other PS do their job and learn.
I dun have experience.
Sometimes I just dunno how to deal with recruits problem.
Sometimes those problem are so stupid that I cant solve.
I "smoke-out" to bed sometimes. (haha..)

Weekends same old story.
Bookout.
Go church.
Have dinner.
Go home.
Knock-off.
Wake up.
Eat breakfast.
Prep to go out.
Go out.
Come home.
Prep to go camp.
Go camp.
Book-in.
Sleep.

Wa life a little boring ar......

Okay to spice things up. I got a target. Not many know about it. Some suspect it. Anyway I gonna ask her in a special way, "Army" style. (thanks to my recruits for inspiration Xp)

I ask my girl,
to take a walk.
To take a walk,
Down Orchard Road.
Bypass mandarin,
to Centrepoint.
Where we had lunch,
at MacDonalds.
We had fillet,
and an Apple Pie.
We share a cup,
of lemon lime.
Holding her hands,
Look into her eyes,
I ask her to,
be my Valentine's.

It's gonna be according to this prophesy. hehe..

Okay end of updates.

Outta touch...

2009-04-12T12:15:00.002+08:00

Feeling outta touch these few days with my other group of friends. Most of my weekends are spent with church friends or my date etc.. Wondering what's happening with all of you guys out there.. JC friends, primary school friends..

Hai.. Army left me with only 1.5 days to play around with. Really I wanna spend some time with you people, Tze Chong, Niang, Shi Hua, Yann blah blah blah........

Then also got Nur, Dorcas, Eugene, Wai Tsun, Chan Kai(!!!) and more blah blah blah...

Okay I must really make alot of effort to go out with you guys..

Sorry GuoHao ChauMin for not attending your commissioning parade; I was confined with my recruits for their 2 weeks confinement...

Update me for any class activity kkx!?

~Finally!!

2009-04-04T23:59:00.001+08:00

Wa! like finally I can hook on to the network! So happy! Wooo~ Waaaa~ Weeee~

okay here i end

lalala~

-I feel so sad..

2009-02-08T11:09:00.004+08:00

I was scrolling through blogs when I saw my friend did this quiz.
It described her very nicely,
say that she's a dreamer and creative and adept problem solver blah blah blah.
so I wanna know what it says for me.
and my result:

You are a calculator!

Wa liao.
that's so blunt.
I feel so lousy.
zz.

At least they explain nicely 0.0:
No matter what someone tells you, you're likely to focus on facts and data.
You're a highly analytic person. You are only concerned with what you can know for sure.

You look at situations objectively, and you have no problem approaching problems from multiple angles.
You would make a good analyst or investment banker. You are confident enough to make tough calls and hard decisions.

One reason why I won't sign on..

2009-02-04T20:40:00.002+08:00

I had a lecture today and my lecturer talks about public attention on uniform groups (SAF, of course). I think its a serious problem how SAF views some issues.

SAF believes strongly in image. Whatever it does must portray a good image of itself. At times this really irritate me badly.

I remembered what the lecturer told me today about one of their deployment. At Changi Airport there will be 2 SAF guards with 2 APD (airport police division) patrolling the ground. Each shift is lengthy and the soldiers must be vigilant at all times. Its very tiring to do so. Yet some bugger just wanna make life difficult for us. People take pictures on little little details that have no significant impact in their mission to protect the Airport. Some eg given by my lecturer of people on duty: a photo of SAF personnel on travelator with the muzzle resting on the handgrip; SAF personnel smiling; SAF personnel standing on one leg; SAF personnel too short as compared to their police counterpart.

I find the SAF very influenced by public opinion. What offence does it make to smile? What wrong does it make to stand on one leg while on duty? Aren't we human as well? If you people can do it, what makes you people better than us to order us around?

This just make me lose respect for the commanders of this Force. They are suppose to defend for us against irrational criticism from the public, not take every word from the public like a mandate. Come on, its just a selective group of people who are troublemakers. As long as what we do are morally and ethically alright, I see no reason to be affected by public opinion. I pity the warrant who because of all these lame reasons have to personally select people for the deployment.

I went looking into stomper for reports on incidences by SAF personnel (NSF and NSmen), and I saw posts that are obviously out there to make things difficult for us. Playing arcade in army uniform wrote about this soldier who went playing shooting game after booking out. I mean, what's the big deal playing arcade in uniform? Then there's another about a soldier who took a photo of himself with SAR21. The STomper just gave a stupid comment:" 'I'm not trying to be a busybody but the picture is portraying the idea that weapons can be drawn at any time for any purpose' ". How is a photo with a rifle shows that it is easy to draw a weapon?

SAF should learn to stand firm. Alot of times we are commented on our professionalism, but we must not be too sensitive to the word. Professionalism is to conduct our duty appropriately tailored to the mission; everything else are secondary and up to the discretion of the personnel.

Smiling while on duty is definitely not wrong.

P.S. maybe SAF should allow us to take a photo of ourselves holding gun? It is a symbol of a soldier. Its like what one person say: "As long it is not done to harm anybody or cause disrespect why not? We have pride for serving NS."

OMG such interesting song!!

2009-01-27T00:32:00.007+08:00

Here goes the lyrics

Prettiest friend:
This is what I look like today
And I’m trying not to pull out my hair
I’m trying not to show it cause I’m far too shy to grow it back there
That’s probably why I like wearing hats
There’s no denying I’m deferring the facts
Avoiding confrontation
Lacks tact in a situation
Behind every line is a lesson yet to learn

But if you ask me
The feeling that I’m feeling is overwhelming
And oh it goes to show
I’ve so much to know

I wrote this for my prettiest friend
Who while trying not to prove that I care
Trying not to make all my moves in one motion and scare her away
Well she can’t see she’s making me crazy now
I don’t believe she knows she’s amazing how
She has me holding my breathe
So I’d never guess that I’m a none such unsuitable, suitable for her
But if you ask me
The feeling that I’m feeling is complimentary
And oh it goes to show
The moral of the story is boy loves girl
And so on the way that it unfolds is yet to be told
I know that I should be brave
Even pretty can be seen by the blind
I know that I cannot wait
Until the day we finally learn how to find each other
Redefining open minds
And if you ask me
The feeling that I’m feeling is overjoyed
And it’s golden, it goes to show then
The ending of this song should be left alone
And so on cause the way it unfolds is yet to be told

-end-

Okay its execrated, but nvm the main point is, I just like being around her, and the path for us is still uncertain.. haha..

(if you still dunno, those in bold are true..)

My (not so) wonderful CNY

2009-01-26T23:21:00.002+08:00

What's in for CNY?

Steamboat.

Imagine eating steamboat for 2 consecutive days, from brunch till dinner. Its either really steaming the boat or heating up the boat, which makes no difference. Boiled prawns, vegetable, chicken, abalone.. Wa sick of them man.. I need something nicer..

Perhaps its just my lack of skill in them that made it that bad.. Still remembered eating uncooked fishball, overcooked dumplings, weird tasting vegetables that are suppose to make the soup taste better.. Rice is still my best companion through this hardships..

Okay maybe it isnt that bad. Got to hear LIVE fire crackers (through its with 3hrs of standing and waiting.. drown in the crowd seeing nothing.. so bored that I played psp for 2hrs..)

Got to interact with relatives. Seriously I need to talk more to my cousins than just the cliche questions "how are you? What are you doing now?" I envision a day where I'll ask, "Hey wanna watch movie/ go on makansutra?"

Yea, that's my resolution for the year as well: rediscover and rebuild relations.

Heh.

2009-01-26T21:26:00.003+08:00

My Resolution

Duty over self,
Commitment over desires.

Words of life over death,
Love of all over self.

A faith full soul,
A worshipping spirit.

A strength greater than yesterday.
To preserve my dreams,
and honor.

New year eve...

2009-01-25T15:41:00.002+08:00

The eve isnt gone and i'm blogging about it.. Shows how bored i'm..

Family there, playing cards. Makes me wonder: Is there nothing to do during CNY that we must gamble?

Maybe it's just me being bored.. Seriously nothing to do, wanna go out, but even if someone as me out, I feel that it's my duty to stay. Personality problem sia. zz..

Thought somewhat about him, think a little more about her..

I'm bored.. =.=

My Campmate

2009-01-24T14:17:00.003+08:00

I have this bunk mate, name Benjamin Ong, sleeping next to me. So what got me into posting about him? He is one person whom I really want to reach out and help him.

I would stop short of converting him. I have no interest in converting people, only helping them.

Perhaps a short summary on how I got to know him. Met him during my Commander Preparatory Course in Tekong, cuz he wanna take cab to woodlands and is finding people to share load. I remembered telling him that if he could find another 2 more, I'll agree. Surprisingly, he got them fast.

I was usually very quiet in camp, and especially to my new unit's colleagues. He was an exception. Perhaps under his inquistive nature, I opened up alot to him. His lack of fear for his past amazed me, and his "heck-care" attitude interest me. He is interested in people, something I look up to, and can talk alot to people. In a split moment we became friends, and bed buddies.

We are really opposites, but we love to argue our own stands. We are experimental people, learning by experience than learning by theories. And we argue on religion as well. I was really surprise that someone could really be as interested in religion as he is, and he challenged me to be more knowledgeable and passionate for my beliefs. Through him I am reminded of my beliefs and strengthened my faith.

He is an unbeliever. Totally. But it was by choice, and a reasoned choice. He live each day trying to enjoy each day, unlike me who focussed more on the future. We would at times just argue on how we should live, and sometimes he wins, sometimes I win. I don't mind, cuz I am learning as much as he is.

Such a friend is hard to find. All the more I want to help him in his dream. He wants to be a better person, less tempermental and more committed, and to live a good life, turn over a new leaf. He used to do alot of forbidden things and was rebellious towards his parents. He know it is all wrong, and I can sense that he wants to change. He just doesn't know how.

Just like me. There are somethings I want to change, but doesn't know how. I am still trying, and I thank God for His faith in me. I don't care if people question about my God, and my inability to justify at times. It is by my belief that I can be stable and established, and understand what I am doing. It is by my faith in Him and my faith in His faith in me that I grow stronger and more happy with myself and my life, and walking in full confidence the person I want to be. This is what I want to impart to Ben, to be like God to him, that he can be established in his ways and walk his dreams.

I'll have him in my prayers.

New Target..?

2009-01-24T13:41:00.003+08:00

Maybe time for some confessions: I like someone.

Its been for quite some time. Since mid-last year I guess; but she was not the first choice then.

Not going to say much about her, until something happens.

Dunno what to do about this feeling. A relationship with her indeed has many complications and uncertainty.

Just, a feeling. We'll see what can happen..

Found this quote:

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May

-more about me..?-

2009-01-17T00:21:00.002+08:00

Just some simple QnA to have some post for this week.. kinda sleepy, being just back from field camp.. hee.. tag myself using shihua's post..

1) What have you been doing recently?
This week alone, had battalion pt on monday, romantic run with my section on tuesday, shack-but-not-really-so-shack combat pt on wednesday followed by specialist buffet, field training under RSM on thursday and friday. Most physically demanding week.. long time since last pt, longer time since last continuous pt, longer time still since field camp.. xiong sia..

2) Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
Yes.. When I sleep.. My phone will attitude me if I dun.. Sian I want back my CV hp..

3) What happened at 10am this morning?
(recalling with a shack mind).. Err.. Section clearing of room..

4) When did you last cry?
... Forgot.. I just remember telling myself never ever cry again, cuz I have to be strong.. There are many people looking up at me.. I cannot afford to be a stumbling block for others.. The last time I emo too much would be around may-june last year..

5) Believe in fate/ destiny?
Yeah.. I believe in purpose-filled living, and passion oriented destiny..

~Wow just nice i'm listening to the song "to zanarkand" by imeem.com.. Very, reflective..~

6) What do you want in your whole life now?
Enjoying every single moment fully, be it adrenaline rush or just silent contentment, never regreting..

7) Do you carry an umbrella when it rains or do you just put up your hood?
Carry umbrella.. habit I guess.. plus can prevent face from getting wet..

8) What's the favourite thing you have on your bed?
My imagination of hugging something soft and warm.. I miss my bolster, or anything huggable but not furry..

9) What bottoms are you wearing now?
Shorts

10) What's the nicest thing you have in your inbox?
"sure or not? I thought I din really comfort you much lei.. Thats why I sms you if you still need a listening ear.. If some days you feel alone, you can always listen to the song umbrella! That song is like my promise to our friendship le.. So.. Haha.. Kinda late le, sleep early bah!"
- Xiu Wen, 4may2008, 0023.50h

I think, its really a long time since someone came so close to me.. I missed the feeling of being cared for by someone.. Guess that's a sacrifice for being a pillar of strength for many..

11) Do you tend to make a relationship complicated?
I dunno what you mean, but I ground all my relationship on basic principles like trust and commitment. May seemed simple, but method wise may be different and may be walking on a fine line. Depends on situation..

12) Are you wearing anything borrowed from someone?
No..

13) What's the last movie you caught?
Yes!man .. Say yes! a hundred times, a thousand times!

14) What are you proud of?
Me achieving a silver bayonet out of hard work..

15) What does the oldest text message in your inbox says?
Some chinese message by XiuWen on weird behaviours of guys and gals..

16) What is the last song you sang out loud?
Considering full song, its Celion Dion's " My heart will go on"

17) Do you have any nickname?
Skai

18) What does your last received text message says?
"hey peepz, tis is min yi here. i hav changd a new no. do update. kip in touch!" -min yi, 16jan2009, 2336.07h

19) What time did you go to bed last night?
2130h

20) Are you currently happy?
Contended is the correct word..

21) Who gives you the best advice?
My mistakes..

22) Do you eat whipped cream straight from can?
0.o no..

23) Who did you talk on phone last night?
I was out in the field..

24) Is something bugging you now?
Yeah.. my bed.. and something else..

25) Do you wear toe socks?
Nope..

26) Who was the person/ What was the thing that last made you laugh?
Kiri.. Always kena arrowed and trying very hard to defend against all arrows, but talk too much and became a very prominent target board.. Feels very gullible..

27) Who was the last person you missed a call from?
Sin Man.. should be asking if I'm attending cell group today, but I came back to camp late..

28) Have you ever had your heart-broken?
Yeah..

29) What annoys you most in a person?
Doing things just because the book says so.. Think man, and believe..

30) Do you have a crush on someone?
Err.. yeah..

31) Have you ever done cocaine?
No

32) What is the colour of your room?
Pink.. Weird eh?

33) Would you kill someone for a billion dollars?
NOpe..

34) -nil-

35) Who was the last person to lie on your bed?
Dust in the air..

36) Who was the last person to hug you?
Jia Sheng, my gay partner..

37) Did you see the last person you kissed recently?
nope.. lost contact..

38) Do you have a life?
Yeah, I would say I have..

39) Have you ever thought someone died, when they didn't?
Yeah, in my fantasy stories..

40) What's the reason behind your blog's song?
It is reflective, a song with simple hope, just to be with you..

41) Who was the last person you saw in your dreams?
XiuWen..?

42) Last time you smiled?
Today..?

43) Have you changed this year?
Too early to say, but definitely from last year..

44) What are you listening to right now?
Suteki Da Ne (blog song..)

45) Are you talking to someone while doing this?
Nope

46) Do you walk with your eyes open?
Ya (like de..)

47) Is there a quote you life by?
Stand strong..

48) Do you want someone you can never have?
I cant predict futures, but I had before..

49) Have you ever played an instrument?
Yea.. Not that pro..

50) What was the worst idea you had this week?
Cant remember..

51) What were you doing last night at 11pm?
Sleeping..

52) Are you happy with your love life now?
Can be better..

53) What song best describle your love life?
(no idea)

54) Does the person know you like him/her?
(never declare, so no idea.. i dun assume..)

55) Who makes you laugh?
I dun have someone specific..

56) Do you speak other languages other than english?
Chinese

57) Favourite website?
Facebook

58) What's your middle name?
Si

59) No Qns
=.=.. Wa still long...

60) What do you think you are like?
Cool, but passionate..

61) Who will you choose to die with?
my wife..

62) Where have you been today?
Tekong, Selarang, home..

63) What games do you play often?
FFVII

64) Who are you missing now?
my crush..

65) If you had to choose between your friends and your lover who will you choose?
My lover.. This is the person I love lei, so its natural to love her company..

66) What are you doing right now?
Answering qns and thinking why am I doing this, and when is it ending.. zz..

67) Which primary school are you from?
Fuchun Primary

68) Name 3 colours you like:
Sky blue, White, BLack

69) What emotions you like to show?
Casual

70) What is life to you?
To live as full as possible, to try new things and learn new things..

71) If you have something bothering you what will you do?
Judge its importance and think it through based on time allocated to think of it.

72) Who did you last chat on msn today?
Didn't msn..

73) Who do you admire most?
Passionate people with endurance, working for a cause greater than themselves

74) Which month are you born in?
April

75) How are you feeling right now?
Tired

76) What is the time now?
0141h

77) What kind of person do you think of the one who tagged you (who is myself)
Quiet most of the time, very reserved in his new social group, but an action packed person once unleashed correctly. Full of ideas, sometimes really random. Needs attention. Love language involves physical contact, and words of affirmation. Likes to be and feel cool.

78) What colour did you use to dye your hair?
I dun dye..

79) Why are you doing this quiz?
I tagged myself

80) What do you do when you are moody?
I try to pray, else sleep..

81) At what age do you wish to get married?
28

82) Who is more important to you?
God

83) If today is the last day of your life what will you do?
Thank everyone for walking in my life, and die peacefully in my sleep

84) Who is the person you trust the most?
Xiu Wen

85) Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after a rain?
Yea..

86) If a dream were to come true what will it be?
Hope: have a girlfriend
Probable: do well in Army

87) What's your goal for this year?
Train my men well, and be more sensitive in my speech

88) No qns
zz..

89) What feeling do you love most?
The feeling of love

90) Do you think it's global warming now?
The climate do seem erratic..

91) What feeling do you hate most?
Loneliness

92) Do you like quizzes?
only when I'm outta ideas..

93) Do you believe in god?
Yea..

94) Who cares for you most?
Myself

95) What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Fulfill my God-given purpose

96) What will you bring when you fight?
Fighting spirit

97) What had you regretted during your whole life?
Regretted being tempted too easily..

98) What will you do if nobody cared for you?
Care for myself

99) What will you do if your bf/gf two-timed you?
Break away. No point.

100) 8 people to do this quiz:
Me, myself, I, SiKai, Sky, Skai, dangtian, S K Tan

~end~

Major Overhaul

2009-01-09T18:26:00.003+08:00

Yeah! I did it! I successfully changed the blogskin for the first time.

Quite a huge learning curve and glad that I passed it through. I must thank alot of people, like Xaiver123 for his outstanding video on how to change blogskin, blogger.com for the relative ease of doing so, xfantasywingsx for his skin, Niang, ShiHua for their invaluable source codes, firefox, microsoft for the programming, all html self-teach sites, and of course my brain for making sense of everything..

Although the skin isn't quite what I'd expected, like there are patches of white i can't remove and the black body that I can't change, at least the source is not as jumbled as the other skin code I'd considered. That code was so messed up that all the words appear everywhere when I previewed it.

So after 4h plus of hard labour, this is my fruit. Not too bad for a green horn. hehe..

Maybe i'll plan another overhaul sometime soon.. the patches doesn't seemed pleasing to me..

Mission accomplished

*cheers ^^

Emo day..

2009-01-08T13:48:00.003+08:00

Okay.. So what happened to me..?

Actually nothing much la.. just that too slack at home.. Off till sunday, while everyone is either in camp or just started school.. Dunno who to jio out, so nua-ing at home..

Even my mom went to work.. House seemed so.. dull..

I hate being alone..

I switched on the radio to liven it up a bit, but it could only do so much. The sky looks so cloudy; I dun think it's possible to swim later..

Then I saw a name on the newspaper... Dorcas Tan.. Got a poke in the heart.. Nvm la.. Its doesn't matter...

Hmm..

Chatted with some friends.. one oversea friend that I never met face-to-face, familiar yet not so.. Oh I guess I never mentioned her before. her real name liao Ruyin. I called her ah yin, cuz that's how we were introduced.

We knew each others' existence on one fateful day on one fateful month on one fateful year. It should be in the year 2007 Autumn season. My friend JiaQi in Beijing, whom I got to know during my ex-school's School Twinning Program to ______ School for 1 week+, introduced me to his group of friends on MSN on this fateful day. There's Freya, ah yin, Rupeng, and perhaps some others.

Of that group, I clicked with yin the most. Not very sure why. Perhaps more topic to talk about, perhaps she was the one I talk with the most after the day, perhaps she was online more than the rest, perhaps personality was more comfortable for me. Plus she has better command of english, so I dun have to explain my words that much. Funny thing is that she will at times switch to using mandrin whenever my words got too difficult for her, and I'll be the one begging for translation..

Its through her that I renewed my lack of interest for mandrin. I cant stand reading pages of mandrin characters, no let me rephrases: I cant stand reading sentences of mandrin characters. Maybe its just because I got used to reading english and had a certain style of reading, that isnt effective when dealing with mandrin characters. I'll get lost when reading her blog. Its all in freaking mandrin!! Argh..

She is my junior, being just 18 this year, 2 years younger. It's weird, considering JiaQi is the same age as me. One interesting observation is that in China, you can have people with age difference of 2 years in the same class, so I guess its normal for them to know each other. Anyway being my junior, she would at times ask me questions. Things can range from school work to philosophy. I think its the debate of the latter that we chat much more than others online. Currently being in army, we chatted less, so it's usually limited to schoolwork.

She's now in studying in America, Yorktown High School (glad she has facebook, you know what I mean?). Still remembered how she complained last year of not being able to adapt to the culture, that the school is splitted into different races. She was more comfortable with the natives as they are less competitive, more open and free. The class she was in was filled with those competitive china ppl we singaporeans generally know. Now I think she was more or less alright, with her own network, her own interest group. Yea, good for her..

Wow I got so off topic, suppose to be on emo day.. Aiya whatevea la..
I shall think of it this way:

Its a silent contentment day!!!

Rar~!

Inspired...

2009-01-02T14:30:00.002+08:00

Saw ShiHua's blog, and she did this thing that requires her to say those things that people dun know about her, in as much as the numerator of her age.. Okay chim but lazy to rephrase..

So the list of things people dun know (or most likely din notice) about me:
1) When I was pri6, I got my first touch of gameboy. Very elated that my friend lend it to me, I played on my way home. The next thing I knew, guess what? a car was honking at me: I was standing in the middle of the road =.=
2) There was once when I took Dorcas' watch out of fun. That's p6, again. I returned her the next day.
3) I just broke my record of 6899 with 7040 for Celion Dion's "My heart will go on"
4) My cheeks grown bigger
5) I have sensitive nose
6) I wish for bigger eyes, so I tried to open my eyes and smile when taking pictures
7) I can solve 3x3x3 rubrics cube
8) I used to be able to solve 4x4x4 rubrics cube
9) I hate buying presents, cuz I tend to think alot and try to personalise it
10) I did tower jump into a pool, and still am freaking scare of it. My body will just tremble.. ZZ..
11) I am lost online.. I dunno what to do..
12) I get mad at lagging computers..
13) I hate singapore dramas.. too dramatic till it can seemed so impossible that it can happen.. I think our dramas need to be more relevant..
14) I find myself a boring person
15) I think I have not much skills..
16) I can eat alot..
17) The secret to me able to stay concious and not get too drunk is to admit to myself that I'm drunk, and I need to focus to standing straight.
18) I love to slouch. Very relaxing..
19) I hate sleeping in Tekong.. Too cold at night and the blanket's thin..
20) I believe in defending the nation, but not signing on.. I have negative perception about Army..

My sleepless Marathon~

2009-01-02T11:31:00.004+08:00

Duration: 31Dec 08- 1Jan09

Event: New Year Eve Celebration
Time: 311208 1700h - 0130 010109
People: Xiu Wen, Sin Man, Kelvin, Kenneth, Jia Sheng, Jia Yin, Samson, Dominic, Eunice, Mohan, Tiong Kun, (another Indian guy), Joshua (that little boy..), Xiao Ping, Venni
What we did:
-Had dinner with BroValor
-Arcade
-Movie: Yes Man
-Watch Fireworks
-Go "home"
Comment:
The highlight for me for this event would be the movie. Though I was sitting by myself (some admin problem), I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. It's super hilarious yet catching. There were many twist to it that made me focussed on it. One part was that there was a man on suicide mode. Carl (main actor) went up immediately and quickly to the man. At lost of what to do to get the man down, he looked into the house and saw the guitar. I could imagine him thinking of the concert (previous scene) he pictured with Allison, and the guitar lessons he attended. Then out of inspiration or something, he took the guitar and tuned it. The suicidal man got anxious at what Carl was doing, didn't know what to expect. Suddenly, Carl came out and started playing a song, lyrics reflecting the suicide's man's life. The suicidal man started singing, and soon the crowd below started singing as well! Encouraged, the suicidal man slowly gave up his suicidal thoughts and moved in. Seeing the opportunity, Carl grabbed the man and threw him in, and ended with a strum of the strings, "Vrramm".

The movie was so inspiring to me. I got out of the theatre believing that life started with "yes". I can even give a string of reasons with it. Omg...

Event: Post New Year celebration part I@Niang's house
Time: 010109 0200h - 010109 0730h
People: Shan, Maio Sia, Niang, Alice, Tze Chong, Yann Ming
What we did:
-Cards
-Majiong
-Truth or Dare
Comments:
I arrived late, and at that time they were playing cards. Ah Gong looked sleepy at that time already.. Actually no sooner he went to the sofa and slept.. We were at lost at what to do.. Sat around the cards, we decided to play Bridge PJ-style. But, only 3 person knew how to play it.. ZZ.. Fortunately, Niang's mom came home, and we played. The others got bored and went to play majiong..
>Fast Foward to 0500h..
So after a lot of miscellaneous things, we sat bored on the floor again. Then we decided to play "Truth or Dare". A smart idea by ShiHua: Write down 2 "Dare"s each, and we picked from there. Guess what Alice wrote.. Swallow anyone's saliva!!! Omg!! Luckily we found out early and removed it. Alice ar Alice...

Anyway, we played the game. Of cuz, alot of things said cant be revealed, but the most stupid question was asked by me (like who else..?) to Maio Sia (cuz we dunno what to ask..): What's your [Maio Sia] cup size? Okay I know its super off, but I guess that's normal when you are bored, cuz I inspired more stupid question in ShiHua. Truths aside, the dares did was

>>fireman-carry, written by me, kena by me. My victim was ShiHua (so sad for her, but too bad Xp);
>>Niang was made to say XOXO (hugs and kisses) 20 times;
>>ShiHua made to disturb Tze chong without waking him up, which she failed (but later decided that she succeeded. Tze chong didn't realised that he woke up.. 0.0..);
>>I was made to eat 5 mints in a go (like... errr.??);
>>Maio Sia was made to dance with the MTV on tv. She's classic man. She stood there while the MV rolls behind her. So 1 song passed.. Niang switched off the lights so she won't be so outstanding, which was suppose to make her more willing to dance, but she stood there.. So 2 songs passed.. Under our much insistence, she did a dance! Ommg! but.. what dance was that..? She explained that it's some taiwan dance that's regularly featured in taiwan entertainment shows. Its like dancing around a box.

We took a break for breakfast (actually we never got back.. lol..) , and took some pictures..

This is our breakfast! Kindly delivered by MacDonalds. Looks messy..

And the hungry ghosts eat..

Snap-shots of what happened earlier..

Our Model for the day!

*Embarrassed at being called a model*

What happened even earlier, while playing "Truth or Dare"...

Trying to tickle my feet..

Trying harder to tickle my feet..

Combo Attack!!
But failed...

After breakfast family pics (a bit too dark..)..

Event: Visitation to Tze Chong's house
Time: 010109 0815h - 010109 1240h
People: Tze Chong and his family..
What we did:
-Blogging while he played his Nitendo DS
-Sleep..
Comment:
Nothing much ba.. Just do my blogging.. then more blogging.. then listen to music.. then blogging.. then cant tahan anymore and sleep at 1130h..

Event: Lunch out at Lot1
Time: 010109 1300h - 010109 1400h
People: Tze chong, Niang, Jimmy, Jian Wei
What we did:
-Lunch
Comment:
Nothing much again.. Just that my stomach isn't feeling that good cuz didn't sleep enough.. Generated alot of gas.. then tried to conceal it.. hee..

jian wei left later to play bball.. ps sia.. zz...

Event: New Year Celebration@David's house
Time: 010109 1430h - 010109 1700h
People: Jonathan, Chau Min, (one other guy whom I dunno..), David, Niang, Tze Chong, Jimmy, ShiHua, Alice, Jeremy, Yi Huan, Wen Xiang.
What we did:
-Karaoke using Karaokeparty.com
-Guess that mime
-Dare and Dare
-Random stuff..
Comment:
Oh great, our beloved organiser Shan isn't here! She said she planned alot of things, so we were left with nothing to do. Luckily Niang brought her game...

Before that, Jimmy, ShiHua and I were high-ing ourselves with David's beloved mic (with was for his guitar) and the Karaokeparty.com. We sang songs like Bleeding Love, My Heart Will Go On. Wow I got a wooping 6899 score for "My heart will go on"!

Then the whole group gathered to play "guess the mime", Jonathan's idea while we wait for Shan. That's where stupid actions start popping out. Since it's all acts, hard to describe.. Then we received news that Shan not coming.. Zz..

Tio-ing ShiHua's arrow, I suggested "Truth or Dare" w/o truth, which Jonny rephrased as "Dare and Dare". Anyway we did as we (those who went Niang's house earlier) did earlier: wrote down the "dare"s. So the the game starts (not in chronological order):

>>YiHuan very suay. His dare was to kiss David's dog. I felt so sad for him, cuz kaiser (Dav's dog), isn't a really nice dog. It can bark loudly and sharply, very scary. It was brought out of its confinement, the kitchen bathroom, to the kitchen. Behind close doors (kitchen door.. its transparent), we watched as YiHuan execute his infamous "kissing-the-dog". The scene was funny la! The dog looked at YiHuan with a blur look as YiHuan bend closer to the dog. After a few hesitation and breaking off eye contact, smart YiHuan (distinction student lei..) kissed the head of the dog (ohh why not the mouth..).
>>ShiHua got worst; her dare was to tell Chau Min that he's the cutest guy. When as ShiHua did her dare, Chau Min gave a its-nothing-special reply: Okay. But the good show had yet to come! ShiHua was also to hug him! Then all got their cameras ready as ShiHua shyly gave him a hug at his back, and everyone gave their cheers! Woot!
>>Tze Chong was to do an Indian dance with one other as the tree, no thanks to my creative idea. It was really fated to hit him hard, because as the pen spun to the victim, it stopped at Alice! Ohh that gossip-couple.. Chong plea around for mercy (he doesn't like to dance, much less with a girl. He was known to avoid touching girls and having eye contacts with them, and shaking his head when he was on the stage and was invited to dance during the school prom..). As the Chong we all knew, he ran into hiding, while we just sat and shout: Chong, come out.. Obdiently, he came out. He gave me that classic I-am-gonna-kill-you look. Niang switched the TV to Vasantham channel and asked him to dance to the beat (I'm not the only one bad Xp). After much persuasion, Chong did a left-right upper body swing that trains his side muscles.
>>Tze Chong was to shout: Ahh, Happy New Year! .. Okay this he did without much persuasion..
>>Jonathan (jonny) did 10spins and had to walk straight. He did it without much sweat. Respect respect.
>>Jeremy did 10spins in the rain. He fumbled and swayed like drunk. Lol..
>>David had to stare at a horse figurine for 10seconds. No sweat either.
>>Jimmy had to drink 3 glasses of water. No sweat, but he drank only 1 glass.. Why not bottle sia..?
>>YiHuan had to eat the mini chocolate doughnuts...?
>>WenXiang had to jump into the pool! no la not so bad.. He chose another and had to dance and sing hokie-pokie. Since he cant sing, we sang together and he did the actions..
>>Jeremy had to kiss the dog as well! Credits to Jonny..

The game ended, and we did our own stuffs.. Got too bored, left at 1700h. But before that, never too bored to take photos!!

*Lol ShiHua.. Either God has something against you, or Fate has something against you.. Your choice.. Lolx.. But not bad lei you very up.. Mentioned you many times.. haha..

Quiz Marathon

2009-01-02T10:37:00.003+08:00

So I'm bored, and took the facebook's quizzes. results:

Quiz: What do people like about you?
Result: You're Extremely Cool!
Comment: Omg really..? Woow that's.. Cool...

Quiz: What's your mental age?
Result: You are 43yrs old!
Comment: !!!!??? I admit my mental age is old but not that old...

Quiz: Where will you be in 10 years time?
Result: Married with 8 kids
Comment: Okay.. that's cuz I put too many "family" option..

Quiz: What decade you belong in?
Result: 1950s
Comment: Omg.. that's.. really.. far behind..

Quiz: What's your perfect relationship?
Result: Attached at the hip (..?)
Explanation of result:
You love the feeling of being in a relationship. So when you get into one, you want to be with that person as much as humanly possible.

You're also a little insecure about dating, so you'd rather have your sweetie nearby than wonder what they're doing when they're out of sight.

Look for someone who's in it for the long haul, just like you are. And if they say they they're not ready for a relationship, or they need some space, then run the other way.
Comment: Yea true..

Quiz: What animal are you?
Result: Llama (..?)
Explanation of result:
A lot of people don't realize this, but llamas are the coolest animals on the planet. They are totally laid back, they have stylish hairdo's, and they've got good attitudes towards all creatures, big and small. They're like the "awesome next door neighbors" of the animal kingdom.

You're a llama! Be happy, be proud. Then go out and spread the word that there's nothing cooler than a llama. The world has got to know the truth.
Comment: Wow.. That good..? That's cool..

Quiz: What should your New Year Resolution be?
Result: Be a nicer person
Comment: Am I not.. nice..? :(

Quiz: What's your kissing IQ? (wow there's such things..)
Result: 104.. average
Elaboration of result:
Don't fret. Lots of people kiss worse than you. (Though lots of people kiss better than you, too.)

The good news is, no one's gonna ditch you just 'cause of your kissing style. The bad news is, no one's gonna fall madly in love of you 'cause of it, either. (For that, you'll have to rely on your charming personality.)

Don't fret - get out there and practice!
Comment: Okay.. I'll try...

Quiz: The dream job quiz.
Result: Brain Surgeon
Elaboration:
You're smart, you're into studying and hard work, and you actually care more about making this world a better place than about petty stuff like meeting celebrities. Of course, if any of those celebrities get an aneurism, you'll be first one they call.

Being a surgeon is a great, but it won't make you famous. To see what will, come take the How Will You Get Famous? quiz.
Comment: Eeew.. Gross..

Quiz: How will you die?
Result: Peacefully in your sleep
Elaboration:
You're smart, you're healthy and you don't let anger or stress get the best of you. But even the best of us gotta go sometime.

Wanna die in a more adventurous way? We recommend taking up one (or all) of the following hobbies: glass eating, chemical mixing, hijacking, or poking grizzly bears with sticks and calling them "jerkface."
Comment: Let's see how ba.. Maybe I'll know when I die and go to heaven.. haha..

Okay that's all folks!

Goals for Jan-Feb

2009-01-01T10:50:00.002+08:00

Mission:
I am to complete tasks to retain and improve my attitude, both visible and invisible, as part of Operation Lionheart, from 010109 - 280109.

Execution:
-Key Ideas
To complete tasks to retain and improve my attitude, both visible and invisible, as part of Operation Lionheart, from 010109 - 280109. Tasks are:

>Loving God
: Do my quiet time 95% of the time
: Do my bible reading 95% of the time
: Do once 1h of quiet time
: Fulfil my tithes and pledges

>Loving Myself
: Save an additional 10% of income

>Loving People
: Volunteer 4h of service to the community (include church ministry)
: Attend/ Organise 2 gathering of friends

>Unafraid of work
: Master Section Commander Handbook
: Do area cleaning of a sector once per month

Your Own Miracle - DJ Max

2009-01-01T09:04:00.002+08:00

Your Own Miracle

Close your eyes
Take some time to center your soul
and be at one.
With the sky
You can fly if you unfurl your wings
to face the sun.

In your mind
You will find all the power you need
to get things done.
And your dreams
The can seem like mere shadows of brighter
days to come

Shoot for the moon
If you miss you will still be among
the stars.
Don't ever stop.
If you never give up
You are guaranteed
to go far.

Chorus
Be your very own miracle.
You can't a race standing still.
Go on! (Go on~)
Pick those beautiful feet up
from off the floor,
Rise and Soar!

Be your very own miracle.
Just believe you can and you will.
Have faith! (Have faith~)
Every goal that you make is a chain you break
to set your spirits free!

Every page you have turned
in this book of your life has led you here.
Every step that you
take you grow closer to conquering your fear.

Dreams can come true!
But they depend on you and how strong you are.
Don't ever stop!
If you never give up you are guaranteed to go far

(Repeat Chorus)

Operation Lionheart

2009-01-01T08:35:00.004+08:00

Hmm, so its a New Year! Happy '09 everyone!

Basically the year end celebration been interesting, but elaborate later. Needa focus.

Anyway, I saw XW did some new year resolution and I thought, why not? Here I am now doing it..

Operation Lionheart

Situation:
-Background
Yr 2008 had past. It had been a year of much changes and control, establishing myself. Had a bad start, but thank God for blessings that wasn't visible in the first place. He broke me into pieces, had me crying out for myself for a long time. When I finally decided to let things be on His hands, He did a miracle: setting a shooting star over Tekong. It stablised me, had me to believe in things impossible, in things simple. He blessed me with a listener, with a group of like-minded friends. I was blind not to notice, too stucked in self-pity.

But it could be all with a purpose. Because of my fading belief, I established my own values and principles. I trust hardwork, for it will bring reward. Through hardwork, I gained confidence in my field. I speak with more conviction, with more thought. I believe that we should not be too bothered about others and their way of doing things; we alone are accountable for what we do. I value commitment, and trust. "Make it happen"; all are possible if we do with conviction and commitment.

I believe all starts in the mind. How you control it determines the result, most of the time. This year, I'm going to improve myself.

-Intention
Operation Lionheart is to be conducted as part of the Project Rebirth. It is to re-establish the attitude of the heart such that it reflects the 3 Great Commandments of the church: Loving People Fervently; Loving God Wholeheartedly; To be the Salt and Light in the Marketplace. It forms the fundamental building block for further developments of the Project.

-Scope
1) Attitude of the Heart
2) Presentation of the Attitude

Mission:
I am to conduct Operation Lionheart on the attitude of my heart up till its reflection in my behaviour in year 2009 as part of Project Rebirth.

Execution:
-Key Ideas
To conduct Operation Lionheart on the attitude of my heart (Part I) up till its reflection in my behaviour (Part II) in year 2009, on the areas below:

>Part I
: Loving God
: Loving Myself
: Loving People
: Unafraid of work

>Part II
: Courage
: Commitment
: Truth
: Strength
: Forgiveness

Elaboration:
- Bi-monthly AAR will be conducted. Actions carried out in the time frame will be examined, sieved and improved. Feedbacks will also be looked into.

-downtime-

2008-12-19T23:15:00.002+08:00

Time now, 2315h. Eating biscuit, listening to the soundtrack "a fleeting dream". Mom just called to ask me if I wanted anything for dinner.

Dunno why, for some reason, feeling down. Cracked lame jokes after cell, but soon fell into silence. Even xiuwen noticed.

Moodswing I guess. Quite prone to it recently.

Realised something: I seemed to be drifting away from cell core members.

Maybe I just wanna play around, wanted too much, carried away..

Dunno; Dun think I wanna know. Dun feel like changing again.

Just wanna chill out and have some rest.

FFX: Suteki da ne

2008-12-19T13:28:00.003+08:00

kaze ga yoseta kotoba ni
oyoida kokoro
kumo ga hakobu ashita ni
hazunda koe

tsuki ga yureru kagami ni
furueta kokoro
hoshi ga nagare koboreta
yawarakai namida

suteki da ne
futari te wo tori aruketa nara
ikitai yo
kimi no machi, ie, ude no naka

sono mune
karada azuke
yoi ni magire
yume miru

kaze wa tomari; kotoba wa
yasashii maboroshi
kumo wa yabure; ashita wa
tooku no koe

tsuki ga nijimu kagami wo
nagareta kokoro
hoshi ga yurete koboreta
kakusenai namida

suteki da ne
futari te wo tori aruketa nara
ikitai yo
kimi no machi, ie, ude no naka

sono kao
sotto furete
asa ni tokeru
yumemiru

(hope to find an actual beautiful translation..)

~Tagged~

2008-11-28T20:42:00.003+08:00

Anyone who see any part of this post, do! (wa damn long..)

1. My friends ...
are busy right now.

2. I am listening to ...
Imagine Me without You -Jaci Valasqeuz

3. Maybe i should learn ...
to be more relax.

4. I love ...
to enjoy aspects of life with friends.

5. My plan ...
is to get married and have many kids.

6. I don't understand ...
how to do accounting..

7. I lost ...
a lot of $$ when I spend. $_$

8. People say ...
I look boyish.

9. I am missing ...
my mom and bro making noises at home.

10. Love means ...
a lifetime.

11. Somewhere, someone is ...
sleeping.

12. I am always searching for ...
someone special.

13. Forever seems ...
a long time.

14. I never want to ...
close my eyes~ I never want to fall asleep cuz I miss you babe..

15. My mobile phone ...
is very silent..

16. When I wake up in the morning ...
I wanna go back to sleep..

17. I get annoyed when ...
I am woke up for nothing important..

18. Parties are ...
fun when there are friends who are high around!

19. Hugs or kisses?
-Hugz-

20. Today I ...
went to sew my formation badge and washed my dirty assault bag. (Finally..)

21. Tomorrow I will be ...
running 20rounds with my secondary school friend!

22. I really want ...
a close companion. (preferably a female like Rinoa ^^)

23. I ...
really dunno what to say...

24. What is your phone brand?
Nokia.

25. What are the last three digits of your phone number?
132

26. When and what does the second message says in your inbox?
"Er.. Not today la" Xiu Wen

27. Who was the last person you rang?
Jimmy

28. Who was the last missed call from?
Sin Man

29. What does the oldest message from your inbox says?
Happy Birthday by Florence

30. Who comes up after "J"?
Who comes after Jay??

31. Who is your network provider?
M1. 1lifeliveit.

32. How many messages are there in your inbox?
63

33. Who do you have on speed dail three?
no one.. how to use ar?

34. If you are on prepaid card? how much credits do you have?
-nil-

35. Who's the first person who comes up after "C"?
Dee?

36. What do you have as your main ring tone?
Nokia tune..

phew~

Final Fantasy X/X-2 : Imagine Me without You

2008-11-25T20:11:00.004+08:00

"For I am convinced that
neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future,
nor any powers,
neither height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us from
the love of God that is in Christ Jesus"
-Romans 8:38-39

Imagine Me without You
by Jaci Velasquez
As long as stars shine down from heaven
And the rivers run into the sea
Til the end of time forever
You're the only love I'll need

In my life you're all that matters
In my eyes the only truth I see
When my hopes and dreams have shattered
You're the one that's there for me

When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you,
I need you

Imagine me without you
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day,
I'd be afraid
Without you there to see me through

Imagine me without you
Lord, you know it's just
impossible
Because of you,
it's all brand new
My life is now worthwhile
I can't imagine me without you

When you caught me I was falling
You're love lifted me back on my feet
It was like you heard my calling
And you rush to set me free

When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you,
I need you

Imagine me without you
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day,
I'd be afraid
Without you there to see me through

Imagine me without you
Lord, you know it's just
impossible
Because of you,
it's all brand new
My life is now worthwhile
I can't imagine me without you

When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you,
I need you oh~

Imagine me without you
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day,
I'd be afraid
Without you there to see me through

Imagine me without you
Lord, you know it's just
impossible
Because of you,
it's all brand new
My life is now worthwhile
I can't imagine me
I can't imagine me without you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hg1cW41ogRI&feature=related

-3SIR-

2008-11-25T18:58:00.002+08:00

Woops, think I blogged too much today, but I missed out this! My posting..

Unlike most of my friends in Army, I'm posted to a unit, 3SIR. It's like just yesterday when my BSLC sec comm told us about it. He messaged a good luck, in a sarcastic manner. Then people around me kept giving me this idea that I'm in for a rough time.

I got there yesterday. Its all the way at some remote corner of Pasir Ris, but the buses only travels towards Bedok and Tampines =.=

The outer layer looks new, looks nice, but like Army itself, its interior was very far from expectation, even worst than SISPEC or BMT. My cupboard for example was spolit, cant be locked. My bunk door cant be locked. As I'm on annual leave now, I can only hope that no one steal stuffs from my wardrobe. Not like there's any expensive stuffs..

The OC's a nice guy. Quite friendly, and young. The people there quite lac-jag one. The cookhouse? So-so.. I prefer Taiwan cookhouse Xp The E-mart? Worst of all that i'd seen.

But I find the place itself kinda cool. Its a building on a historic ground. It was once a site for POWs during WWII! Imagine that the very ground you are stepping on have a lot of memories. There's even a bell left from a chapel. Sadly, many just walk back and forth without noticing their environment.

3SIR. I wonder how my life would be like. Will I get all the problem recruits, as what the OC mentioned? Can I get them motivated and moving?

I can only hope.

Now I must draft out my plan for them and myself for the next part of my Ns..

+Hapi Stuffs+

2008-11-25T18:32:00.004+08:00

Alright too many bad stuffs.. I must think of happy stuffs.. Lets do questions again!

For today:
1) What's the dumbest act you did?
I finished the last can drink in my fridge! Mom not home, no more can drink for me until I go down to Seng Siong again.. Hai broke and still need to spend on this kinda things =.=

2) What arouses your interest?
Final Fantasy game.. the difference between tactics and strategy! Strategy refers to the overall concept of the battle, while tactics refers to the execution of actions to make the strategy possible.. Din know that..

3) What made you smile?
Sin man's call just a while ago.. Her constant frustration with my phone refusal to receive her messages..

4) What made you happy?
I completed my run! Its a long while..

5) What made you feel blessed?
While scrolling through Final Fantasy MVs, I chanced upon a video, Imagine Me without You. The verse at the end of the clip was Romans 8:38-39. In my unbelief I check the web and the verse really reflected what was written on the clip. While trying to double-check, I stumbled into a script by Bob Wilkin titled, No One Can Ever Separate Us. As I read, I realized that I was thinking wrong all along. In spite of all the wrongs I did, all the sins I had accumulated, I am still a Child of God! Because of his writings, and God's miracle works, I felt more in peace with myself. How I had looked down on myself as a failed Christian! Its the second miracle I had since my shooting star incident in tekong months ago. Really, really thankful for a living God..

No One Can Ever Separate Us
http://www.faithalone.org/news/y1989/89march2.html
http://www.faithalone.org/news/y1989/89april2.html

~so bored~

2008-11-25T18:09:00.002+08:00

Alright gonna do something I had long never do, answer questions!!

1.Your feelings now?

Down..

2.Do you think that a friendship is still possible after a breakup?

Yes, but things can never be the same as before..

3.Do you think time can change everything?

Hopefully..

4.Do you believe in promises? Why?

Not really, no.. I have problems trusting the words of people..

5.Do you have a friend that isn't very close yet a friend you can't forget?

Many..?

6.Would you eat the bullet for your friend, or instead fire at them?

Depends on who is the friend..

7.Say something you really wanna say:

I.. am.. all.. alone..

8.Which weakness about yourself that you can't stand the most?

Feeling lonely, when many are in the same situation yet dun seemed to feel the same way..

9.If others were to oppose to what you believe, would you counter back?

Of course! If not why do I believe in what i believed in?

10.If you see your sweetheart asleep in front of you, what would you do?

Close in the distance, if possible..

11.Are you happy now?

Not really..

12.If you fell in love with a person who is attached, and the person is your best friend, what would you do?

Bless their relationship..

13.Love or be loved?

Be loved..

14.How would you face a person you love yet doesn't love you?

Heck the love and lets be friends..

15.If I cry, what would you do?

Depends on who you are.. de..

16.Would you hope to live in a different world?

For now, yes, gladly..

17.What do you need to do now?

Clean up my place, study my sec comm book..

18．Nightfall or daybreak?

Nightfall.. Makes feelings more protruding, more truthful..

-bored-

2008-11-25T18:00:00.003+08:00

Finally its 6pm.. Dunno how I'd managed to pass time without doing anything constructive.. Listened to Songs by Fish Leong, now by Jay Chou, I blogged, checked out other Final Fantasy game, played Sudoku, had lunch.. hmm..

I felt totally wasted now.. Sleepy but dun wanna sleep, all alone at home.. No naggings, no outings, dun wanna bother others, yet want to be bothered by others. Damn sian..

Wanna play, do something.. ZZZZZ..

Rrr..

[Pity It's Not You]

2008-11-25T14:15:00.004+08:00

A song that reflects my soul..

可惜不是你
Pity It's Not You

这一刻突然觉得好熟悉
This moment suddenly seems so familiar
像昨天今天同时在放映
It is as if yesterday and today are played together
我这句语气原来好像你
So my tone is somehow like yours
不就是我们爱过的证据
Isn't that the testament of us having loved before

差一点骗了自己骗了你
Almost deceived myself and deceived you
爱与被爱不一定成正比
Loving and being loved is not always comparable
我知道被疼是一种运气
I know that being loved is a kind of luck
但我无法完全交出自己
But I am unable to give away myself completely

努力为你改变
Striving to change myself for you
却变不了预留的伏线
But I cannot change the strings that remains
以为在你身边那也算永远
Thought that being by your side is still considered forever
彷佛还是昨天
Seemed like yesterday
可是昨天已非常遥远
But yesterday had gone so far away
但闭上双眼我还看得见
But when I close both my eyes, I can still see all that

可惜不是你陪我到最后
It is a pity it is not you who will accompany me until the end
曾一起走却走失那路口
We walked together but got lost at that junction
感谢那是你牵过我的手
Thanking you that it was you who held my hands
还能感受那温柔
I can still feel that warmth

那一段我们曾心贴著心
Back then, we kept our hearts together
我想我更有权力关心你
I think I have the right to care about you
可能你已走进别人风景
Perhaps you had already walked into the grassland of others
多希望也有星光的投影
How I hope that, too, stars will shine on me

努力为你改变
Striving to change myself for you
却变不了预留的伏线
But I cannot change the strings that remains
以为在你身边那也算永远
Thought that being by your side is still considered forever
彷佛还是昨天
Seemed like yesterday
可是昨天已非常遥远
But yesterday had gone so far away
但闭上双眼我还看得见
But when I close both my eyes, I can still see all that

可惜不是你陪我到最后
It is a pity it is not you who will accompany me until the end
曾一起走却走失那路口
We walked together but got lost at that junction
感谢那是你牵过我的手
Thanking you that it was you who held my hands
还能感受那温柔
I can still feel that warmth

可惜不是你陪我到最后
It is a pity it is not you who will accompany me until the end
曾一起走却走失那路口
We walked together but got lost at that junction
感谢那是你牵过我的手
Thanking you that it was you who held my hands
还能感受那温柔
I can still feel that warmth

感谢那是你牵过我的手
Thanking you that it was you who held my hands
还能温暖我胸口
It still could keep me warm

Lone Runner~

2008-11-25T13:32:00.002+08:00

For some reason, perhaps due to habit of waking up early during weekdays, i woke up 8min before my 7.30am alarm.. Okay its not that early..

Surprisingly, I was motivated to run. I took a 15min wash-up and headed for the stadium.

The journey was uneventful. Smell of smoke from exhaust pipes filled the urban air. It was peak hour, and cars and buses were busy with their tasks. A few older folks were on their way home from the stadium. One runner was already running his engine. It had been a while since I'd seen this scene.

The swimming pool had changed, and a new feature was added next to it. Tazi Kiosk. Wonder what it does, or rather, what it was doing outside a swimming pool. Late night swim?

Broke into a jog into the stadium, to warm myself up. I'm set for a 4km run. Hitting the track, my mind did its usual pessimistic talk. 10rounds is too much, it said. 2rounds had passed... 4rounds passed... Run pass the lady seen earlier! Yes, did it.. 6 rounds passed... Wow it was really not easy, 3 more rounds... Why must ambush be laid this way? ... Pass that line! .. Giving up? Not yet... This cant be worst than climbing slopes.. 1 more round... Did it! Yea..

I slowed to a stop next to the fitness corner. Tried pull-ups, but my muscles were all tired. I settled for push-ups and bridges instead. Did cool-down. Ended my morning exercise. The weather was cool, the sweat was sticky. Everything was in its place..

But my heart is somewhere else.. Disappointed..

-Bored-

2008-11-23T00:35:00.001+08:00

For some reason, its 0035h now and I still yet to bathe, sleep.. Still online listening to jay chou, msn, doing random stuffs.. Come on motivation to do routine, sleep!!!

>.<

-POP&Club Exp-

2008-11-22T21:53:00.002+08:00

POP lo!

Finally, after 13weeks in ASLC, 21weeks in SISPEC alone, I'm off to my new unit. Feeling sick of being on course day-by-day. Thank God the weather was good, the parade was well done (except for those few dumbsters who did dumb things..).

The parade rehearsals had been tough, as good as all the trainings, made worst as I was the LPS for the last phase of the course. After the parade rehearsals I was so tired, yet I still had to go around asking people, begging people, nagging people to de-kit their stores. I just cant believe it at times. I would want to throw my stores back to the company as soon as possible so I dun have to worry about lost equipments, and my bunk will be much neater as well! Just cant understand them. In the end we rushed through the last night doing all the stores till late. I woke up tired the next day, but still have to attend the final rehearsal. Haix..

All the scoldings during the rehearsals had come to its uses. Just before the parade itself, people are motivating each other, encouraging each other to do their best. The parade went smoothly, people took things seriously, marched properly, pledge and sang loudly.. Too bad I haven had a video on this.

Much cant be said, only experienced. I can't describe the details of the parade without boring people up. At least Youtube got a video of the 44th ASLC grad parade. My parade is much better of course! Xp
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9maY77U7DY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the late evening my section mates (most of them) and my Sec Comm and I went to Zouk. Ahh, after much deliberation, consideration, planning, and wishing, I entered into a club for the first time! The atmosphere was very intense, loud music, but not as cramp as i thought it would be, at least for the main hall anyway. We had Graveyard with ice, and Flaming Lambogini! The Graveyard with ice isn'tthat strong a drink. I still feel very conscious after drinking it, and that's on top of drinking shares of 3 mixes (orange redbull and _____(fill in the blank)). The only side effect was perhaps more loose with myself, moving to the beat.

Then my Sgt introduced us to the Flaming Lambogini! It was so special! They have 2 cups of drinks, one which look like a normal wine, and another looked like milk. I never got to find out what they are exactly, but they are alcoholic drinks for all I know. First they would light up the "normal wine" drink (yes, blue flame comes out..) and you'd drink. Just before it ends, pour in the "milk" and continue drinking. The effect was so powerful that I felt it immediately. Though I did my system testing (walking straight line and about-turn) and it was satisfactory, I need to focus more than usual. Then we went dancing on the dance floor.

Hmmm it is good to mention now that the music in the main hall isnt to my liking. Its like trance and techno all the way. The people just purely dance for the sake of dancing (though not all). I myself made use of this opportunity instead to see what moves i can come up with. Due to my limited experience, I didn't gain much.

Time passes by quickly, and the effects of drinking became more apparent. I needed even more focus, but it was my section mates that got me thinking. One was obviously on the brink of collapsing, dancing and shaking like there's no tomorrow. The other was with dreamy eyes and talking nonsense while still shaking. There's one who vomited. One casualty. Tried to resurrect him but all attempts failed. Sent back home.

The two struggling for life kept wanting to go back to the dance floor.

At 12.30, we declared 1 more casualty.

At 1.30, we wanted to try getting into phuture, but it was overloaded. The bouncer was strict then.

In the end, we had a total of 3 casualty, 2 injured, 3 still alive. Lucky for us, 2 casualty resurrected. At 5.15, I pushed them off back home.

I remembered clearly, at one point, I was thinking, what's with clubs? The low lights mixed with smell of alcohol, drained in alcohol.. Its like a life wasted at that moment. As I reflect, I recalled the anger of some people expounded vividly while walking out. I still see clearly girlfriend-boyfriend grinding each other, hugging and kissing each other, losing each other in the heat of the music, losing the sense of themselves. The main hall filled me with distaste.

The Velvet Underground, one of the premium hall, was much better. I managed to sneak in somehow, openly. At least the people are more conscious in general. The music were more themed, focused. It was those dance music like "Low", and people will really bent their knees, getting lower and lower as the song went "..next thing you know, shawty got low, low, low, low.." Its one of the coolest thing I ever seen! This is what I would really call enjoying life. Imagine strangers got into coordinated moves with you. Its like people gathering to celebrate an occasion. The atmosphere was full of life.

All in all, the experience had been multi-facet. I saw people just lying openly on the walkway outside, with a bottle in their hands. I saw people losing themselves. I saw people dancing, shaking, apparently enjoying themselves. I saw friends being like them.

Ask me if I would wanna go club again, like my nonsense-d friend like to ask me when he was drunk..

Looking at him, I cant give a clear yes.

~A trip to NTU pt 2: After lesson~

2008-10-21T14:38:00.003+08:00

So I had concluded my lesson.. drain the hell out of me.. so i'm in heaven now.. lolx..

I'm quite happy that i could still catch on some of the things said, despite army.. So the rumors are false, as I had proven it. Army degrades mind as much as the person allows the mind to be degraded.

After the lesson, Vino and I went to meet up with Xiu Wen. So much for her saying that she's in a rush.. She could still walk casually! Anyway we went to have dinner at the Executive Cafe. Sounds high-class? It is, for a school's standard. The place was basically empty when we entered. Looking at the prices of food, it was not much different from the foodcourts outside. Well Singaporean mindset I guess..

We were at a lost as to what to order. Then the waitress gave us this list of offers for the day. It was for the offers for LUNCH-time, so we were staring at it with a questioning look. After clarification, we got to know that the offer was still on. Inference: The cafe isn't doing that well..

Anyway the food wasn't too bad. The service was good, considering that we dun have to pay for it. No GST, no service charge.. Inference: NTU students are really thrifty, in school anyway..

Nothing much happened after that. For some reason, Xiu Wen and I were shacked out.. There proceeds meaningless conversation and actions, like Vino trying to tie a knot for Xiu Wen and I.. And Xiu Wen indicating that it is an honor to send her home.. Inference: I should send her home.. Observation: So Dorcas, talking about it being an honor to do things for them. I wonder if all girls are like that =.=

-End-

~A trip to NTU pt.1 : FRS12~

2008-10-21T12:13:00.003+08:00

If you haven guessed it, I crashed into NTU Accountancy lecture yesterday.. Hee..

The lecture was from 4.30pm-6.30pm, course FRS12 on income tax: Deferred tax. I went with my church friend, Vino.

That's all for the facts.

So I attended the lecture, in spite of my short hair which makes me stand out. Actually I felt normal, until Vino commented on it in the midst of the lecture. She was feeling very outta place and kept looking around, noticing people looking at her. I tried to keep her focus on the lecture so that she would not feel too much of those eyes, but well, some advice are hard to digest.

When I first entered the hall, after getting lost for a while (a norm for noobs like me..), it was like I went to this place for the iOCBC investment game just 2 years ago. All those memories.. Back to topic, Vino for some reason chose to sit somewhere in the middle. I tried to get her to understand the predicament of sitting there, but failed. So we sat, with her looking at the hall with the looks of a first-timer.. I kept thinking of our cover being blown..

There are a mix of people over there, judging by their dressing. Some wore as though they are from the work force (office dress), some wore like a poly student (casual). And they are chatty! It's just like a normal JC lecture where the lecturer had to settle the students down. So much for teachers saying that University lectures are conducted in a solemn manner, that all students know their place. All lies.. lol..

As the students fill in, there was this person whom I thought was the lecturer talking about this online feedback on the teaching system, which closes somewhere in Nov. Then the "lecturer" passed on the mike to the lecturer..

Something funny about the way the lecture is conducted: it has long introduction. The lecturer spent like 1h on the introduction alone! But it covered alot of content in it already. I guess the lecturer needs to go for a GP lesson on essay presentation again.. Ooops..

Maybe I'll just give a brief summary on the lesson:

FRS12 : Income Tax

Introduction:

(Taxes always effects on income only..)

For Corporations there are 2 kind of taxes, Current Tax and Deferred Tax. Current Tax are taxes that are to be paid in the year for the year. Deferred Tax are taxes that are to be paid in the future year for the current year.

There are 2 principles that govern the application of deferred tax:
1) A deferred tax liability/ assets exist if the recovery of an asset or settlement of a liability will make future tax payments larger/ smaller than they would if such recovery and settlement were to have no tax consequences.

2) The effects of deferred tax are dealt with according to the underlying transactions/ events.

Simply said:
1) You have a deferred tax when you settled everything and realise that there's a change in your tax payment. The first law is just used to recognise if you have deferred tax.

2) You open the account you used to do the transaction and calculate from there. The second law is just used to calculate the amount of deferred tax and how to present it in the accounts book.

(At this point it is good to note that all accounts book are closed year-on-year. However, tax policies may have it that tax payment are to be settle in a 2 year period. This creates the problem on how much to pay, how to present it on the books, which is what this topic is about.)

Recognition:

As mentioned earlier, we use the 1st principle to ask ourselves if we have deferred tax. Lets use some examples to illustrate this principle.

1) I have a tax payable item in year 1, and the IRAS collect the taxes on year 1, I would have credit tax payable. In other words, no tax carried forward.

2) I have a tax payable item in year 1, but the IRAS collect the taxes on year 2, I would have deferred tax payable. In other words, tax carried forward.

3) I have a tax payable item in year 1, but IRAS collect the taxes on year 0 (the year before) and not going to collect it anytime soon, I would have deferred tax payable. In other words, tax carried forward.

4) I have a non-tax payable item in year 1... (this is obvious..) ... No tax will be collected for whatever year for that item.

Before we ask ourselves if the deferred tax is a liability or an asset, we shall talk briefly about the concept of temporary difference. Temporary difference (TD) occurs when there is a difference in the carrying amount of an item (a.k.a the market rate) and the tax base of the item (a.k.a the declared rate to the IRAS). The reason it occur could be due to the difference in period between the date of tax payment and the realisation of other sources of asset/ liabilities. Some of its sources are the Balance Sheet items, Loss Carried Forward, and when there's a change in policy/ correction of error. (No need to know as I don't as well.. haha..)

So, when you have a positive TD, you have a taxable TD (TTD). It is then a liability, as you have to pay more. Conversely, if you have a negative TD, you have a deductible TD (DTD). It is then an asset, as IRAS will need to "pay" you back. (note from prof: IRAS seldom pay you back. The most would be to carry it forward a.k.a pay less in future)

Words aside, using "maths" instead:
1) For an Asset:
-Carrying Amt > Tax Base -> TTD => Deferred tax liability
-Carrying Amt <> DTD => Deferred tax asset

2) For a Liability:
-Carrying Amt > Tax Base -> DTD => Deferred tax asset
-Carrying Amt <> TTD => Deferred tax liability

(Liability is a cost, asset is a source of income, so the sign for the value of TD is different for each case.)

Some Eqn:
Carrying Amount- Tax Base = Temporary Difference
Temporary Difference X Tax Rate = Deferred Tax (Asset/ Liability)

Scenario:
Bought land at 10m in year 1, sold at 12m in year 2. Assume taxable and is an investment property/ PPE (dunno what's that.. doesnt matter anyway..). Tax rate at 20%.

So we have an asset of 10m (not a liability though we pay for it, cuz we can earn from it, in layman's term..). So we paid a tax in year 1. But we realise its value in year 2, but due to market forces, we earn a profit of 2m. So we owe IRAS..

Mathematically,
12-10= +2
2 X 20% = +0.4
Deferred tax liability of 0.4m

Using 1st principle instead,
We sold at 12m, but we paid our tax as it was 10m. We earn a profit of 2m, and so our tax bill increases by 0.4m. Hence we incurred a deferred tax liability of 0.4m.

(if the land isnt taxable...?)

Loss-Carried Forward:
All our discussion assumes that we have the money to pay, but what if we incurred a loss on that year? Should we recognise our deferred tax and realise it?

In the context we work today in Singapore, companies are allowed to carry their loss to their year of profit, so that IRAS can tax on them. (keeping in mind that tax payable = tax base X tax rate, you cant expect IRAS to pay for your loss..)

It is then an accounting issue whether we should recognise the deferred tax in the year of loss or only when the asset/ liability is realised. The standard would be:
1) It is probable to have sufficient future profit -> Recognise in the year of loss.
2) It is not probable to have sufficient future profit -> Recognise in the year of realisation.
3) There is TTD (excess money from TD) -> Recognise to the extent of TTD

Change in Policy:

-Use Retroactive method (I dunno how.. the lecturer spent only 3min on this.. or less.. zz..)
(tried wiki-ing it.. no results.. All I know is calculate the cumulative effect of the change..)

-If there is deferred tax effect, calculate and use the "after-tax cumulative effect" figures

-If there is no deferred tax effect, use cumulative effect figures only.

Measurement:

Current tax: based on current tax rate
Deferred tax: based on future tax rate that have been enacted or substantially enacted.

The carrying amount of deferred tax asset should be reviews at the end of each balance sheet date.

No discounting of the amount of tax is allowed for deferred tax (cuz we dunno if we are paying in the discount window period.)

Presentation:

- Tax asset/ liability should be separated from other assets/ libilities.
- Deferred tax should be separated from current taxes
- Tax liability and tax asset may be off-set if, and only if: legal right, intention
- Tax expense in relation of profit from continuing operation should be presented in the face of P&L (Profit and Liabilities)

Disclosure:

Real case:
Profit before tax (PBT) 500
Tax Rate 20%
Tax Payable 80-150

Reason? Items that are deducible, contributions given that are not tax deducible.

-End-

~Cai HOng~

2008-10-10T23:49:00.002+08:00

Maybe a little lyrics spice up the song.. dunno what i'm saying but anyway.. lyrics:

哪里有彩虹告诉我
Could you tell me where to find the rainbow?
能不能把我的愿望还给我
Could you return my hopes and dreams?
为什么天这么安静
Why is the sky being so silent?
所有云都跑到我这里
All of the clouds are filling the sky..

有没有口罩一个给我
Is there a mask for me?
释怀说了太多就成真不了
Saying too much just cant get things done.
也许时间是一种解药
Perhaps time can be a cure,
也是我现在正服下的毒药
yet its the very poison that's tearing me up.

看不见你的笑我怎么睡得着
Without your smile how could I ever get to sleep?
你的身影这么近我却抱不到
Your presence's near yet so far from me.
没有地球太阳还是会绕
Without the earth, the sun will still cycle.
没有理由我也能自己走
Without reasons, I'm still moving on.

你要离开我知道很简单
I know its easy for you to leave.
你说依赖是我们的阻碍
You'd said that reliance was the problem we had.
就算放开那能不能别没收我的爱
Even if we leave, could you not kept away my love?
当作我最后才明白
Just take it that I finally understand.

RAP
看不见你的笑
要我怎么睡得着
你的身影这么近我却抱不到
没有地球太阳开始环绕环绕
没有理由我也能自己走掉
是我说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药

Watching the MV., feel like crying.. touches me.. I understood the feeling of lost.. but, my experience is a different kind of lost.. how i wish its of this kind instead..

Anyway..

Enjoy..

~EmO~

2008-10-10T23:25:00.002+08:00

Listening to Jay's song "Cai Hong", turned emo..

Curiously, this song describles how I see my heart deep inside.. I did many cover-ups, so that people around me wont be affected by it.. Maybe they aren't even bothered at all..

Also dunno what to say.. After all, my stories are all sad stories.. And army stories aplenty.. No one is particularly interested in my life anyway.. Even if I found it interesting, exciting even, I dont find any like-minded people around..

How to live life..?

Still waiting for my breakthrough.. For some sparkle of new hope..

~Taiwan Girl~

2008-09-28T15:36:00.004+08:00

-Just some random post-

Found this Taiwan chio bu while browsing through the web searching for nothing in particular.. Chio in my sense anyway..

Chio anot? Anyway I dunno her.. just ripped her photo off some pages.. found at least 2 web hosting her pics.. looks like 20 over though.. haha..

~Numb..~

2008-09-28T14:24:00.002+08:00

OKay finally I'm blogging, again.. While waiting for my stamina (Elven Blood, Bloodlust, both facebook app) to regain.. haha..

Alot of things happened, so much so that i dunno where to start. I guess i'll just write whatever I thought of..

The deepest impression that I had for the past 2 months(?) is the shooting star I saw at Tekong Island. It was during our route march, 32km mind you, and we were at the 20km mark. I still remembered that at that point of time, all of us were really tired after walking through the rocky trail instead of the usual street. The first 4km was completed in 37min, next 4 in 30min, but for this stretch of 4km, we nearly hit 45min.

I was sitting facing my buddy, who was offering me an oreo cookie (my buddy's really nice.. ^^). I was appreciating the night sky, being so clear and starry. It was a scene never to be found on the main island, a scene I missed of Tekong, a scene I longed to watch with Dorcas, as a couple. As I dwelled in the sweetness of our past, and the sadness of the argument we had just days ago, suddenly a bright light streaked past the night sky! A trail of yellow light to light up the night sky, a trail of light to inspire hope in my heart. Instinctively I prayed for the fruitfulness of our friendship. Peace settled into my heart.

The Dorcas-Sky incident had affected me alot. I would say that I had finally found my ground to stand again, but I'm never the same. As compared to the past where I would expound on my beliefs and ideals, the current me would just keep my thoughts to myself. In the past I would care about how others think and how to help them be better, but now I will just wait and see. All I needed is just knowledge of what I want, not why I want. The "why"s had lost its meaning, seeing that even with much debate, much victory in argument, sometimes if there isnt a will, convincing will end up with nothing.

The current me is also emotionally desolated. I cant connect with couples much anymore. Earlier I was with my "Niang" and she was talking about her new boyfriend. Whereas I would have been more curious, I was just silent, dunno what to ask nor to comment. I dont understand the feeling of being in a relationship, the workings and the connection of being in it. All I can feel now is the bliss when couples get together smiling at each other, or people telling me how long they have been in a relationship. They are so blessed ^^

With my friendship with Dorcas restored, I'm left with no more yearning for more, in anything at all. Life just passes by without saying "hi". So one day passed, so one more day passed.. I'm used to saying, "life's like that". Maybe, hope, that this is just my lull period. I'm now trying to keep the hope of having a companion alive. It is important, for its the reason for my Uni course. But its fading away. I try to make up with a fantasy of my ideal wife, just so that it's kept alive. I know that's the way I like it, but I'm at lost how to get there..

Okay enough of sad stories. Yesterday I hit the beach with my bunk mates and wow, got myself sunburnt and fallen sick. My bro even commented : Your shoulder looks black while the rest of your back looks red. "Niang" was suppose to bring a lotion for me for our meeting with tze chong, xin yi and yann ming, but being so her, she forgot (hmm reminds me of dorcas, but nevermind..). Then xin yi and "Niang" also commented on my name calling, saying that I had once while boarding the bus called "Niang" out loud, and for that short moment "Niang" was stunned. Old habits die hard la dae...

Army life was so-so.. During field camp tio turn out as well. The sergeants were pissed off, and we were pissed off, so everyone was pissed off.. Tio turn out in FBO just a day after field camp with all clothes in washing machine, and we had to repack everything.. Did platoon deliberate and quick attack during field camp.. The interesting part was that the camp site was near Woodlands! I could see the expressway and the Si Ling primary school and Innova JC, and many other familiar places! For some reason it's a great feeling to know that you are so near home in Army. So close to civilisation..

Alright I'll stop here for today.. dunno what to write.. Only got this comment:

Army is so inefficient and wayang (putting up a show). They kept innovating things, yet it just burden us more. It's to such an extend that even though I had not tried on the new LBV for urban warfare, I know for sure it'll be much worst than this in the end. Because of its improved and added on capabilities, the Army is sure to utilise it to the fullest, neglecting our comfort. There's also this rule that we are not allowed to rest and recuperate when not doing anything. Even if its 3h of no program, some sergeants just expect us to do area cleaning for that period. When we are sick, on attend B, we are to do fatigue work like carrying 20l jerry cans, loosen the sand etc. What's recovery to them, I wonder?

My friend had it right: 1 bomb in Air Force cost more than an Army camp. To them, we are just a statisitc..

~PSP!!~

2008-08-24T16:41:00.002+08:00

yay! I got a psp slim! finally after much deliberation and consideration and proposition, I executed the order..

Its a PSP Slim, FW 3.90, with 8gb, modified for $370, ice silver colour..

So natually, i played with it for today.. tried uploading pokemon into it.. Then tried for whole day, managed to load emerald version, but cant do clock-based events.. zz.. at least its something la..

Hmm. So talk about Basic Section Leader Course..

My BSLC really not very good. My buddy really CMI. I had to admit he is a good leader, because of his knowledge, but in other stuffs, he really have alot to work on. As a buddy, he failed terribly. He doesn't look after his buddy, and gave that attitude when his buddy show concerned for him. He was a good para-para dancer. Seriously i dunno what to talk about him..

Then the bed 1 is very loud. He needs to be more sensitive to the things he says. Heard that he is now losing out to his other course mates cuz he has a lower interpersonal skills.

hai.. dunno what to talk about..

bslc i'm blur at times.. think army wears me out.. so many things to learn.. then never put to much use.. its like doing for the sake of doing.. bo liao..

Anyway, i resolved dorcas issue. i am too lazy to love, too lazy to yearn for relationship.. my life now pretty good ^^ less worries, just enjoying and relax my way through aslc.. maybe just a little sad i have no special company, but well, life's a give and take.. anyway i have different perception compared to hers.. Cant really connect with her deep inside.. at most we can be outing buddies, like go out have fun tgt, that's all i guess.. a bit sad, cuz that's the thing i wanna do with my gf and my wife.. Now I had to settle for something less..

Really, what's life all about? Chiong so hard, doing my best, for who to see? Like my past relationship, my ex even wanna name our past as "unclear", saying that she never said she agree to by my gf anyway.. wth.. so all those acts are fake, all those times are fake, even the words she used are fake.. I cant stand this anymore.. she's just fooling around with me.. Tired really..

Luckily, dickson told me about this girl named ying zi. I really loved his description, cuz its my ideal! It got me really hopeful of the future, cuz there's still a possibility of someone whom i will love, whom i may have a chance of settling down with. I'm not so afraid anymore..

Just earlier, my sergeant gave me the highest praise. He said he loved my fighting spirit and determination; he said i was ocs calibre, just that ippt cmi.. But these words is true: "When war comes, I would want to fight under you"

Guess I was doing right after all ^^

"You Gotta Be"

2008-08-16T12:46:00.002+08:00

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry
You gotta be

Chorus
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Readin' the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my heh, hey
chorus

Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face
Oh oh oh Remember

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my heh, hey, hey
chorus X2

This song nicely wraps up my resolution for myself. After 8 weeks of feeling alone, of false assumption that this logical, of hoping, wishing, praying, yet having desires unfulfilled, I want to throw away my nice guy image. Its something that gets on my nerve. So what if i'm a nice guy? I get bullied, thrown around and taken as trash. No, I must learn to fight back, learn to be strong, so that even with my size, no one dares to play around with me..

Its a false image of myself i know.. But the experience of being myself have been very bad. As a nice guy, I was dumped; As a nice guy, my mates took advantaged of my helpfulness. I ended up doing things unwillingly, as others expect me to do, as though its my responsibililty..

I am really confused with myself. I need a pillar, a guiding light to reveal to myself who I really am. Till now, I can only safely say I value in: Commitment, Trust, Specialness. Even hope and love, my greatest beliefs in the past, lost their charm.

Who am I, really?

Tagged..

2008-07-06T12:42:00.002+08:00

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

B)Rule B taken off (Too bad Shi Hua.. Hahax)

Continue this game by sending it to other people.

#1 If your lover betrayed you, what will your first reaction be?
- Disappointed

#2 If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
- Married, have many kids.. Haha

#3 What will your dream wedding be like?
- Grand but with close group of people. Having performances and ball.. Haha just a sketchy idea.. never really thought about it..

#4 Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
- Not really. I'm gonna be an accountant, or auditor, bring work back home to work and be close with my kids. haha..

#5 What's your ideal lover like?
- Intimate, expressive yet simple, childish yet mature, a little wild and inquisitive.

#6 Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
- Its more blessed when both are happening at the same time. Loving someone without being love can bring many disappointments, while being loved but not loving back may make you guilty.

#7 How long do you intend to wait for someone u really love?
- As long as I can, but soon I have to move on. Duty above emotions.

#8 If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
- Fade away and be just casual friends. I do not want to destroy her happiness.

#9 Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
- A lot. Lost of trust in a friendship, disappointment not getting my desire posting, disappointment in myself for getting into so many troubles in SISPEC, leaving my old platoon mates, from how the situation with my special friend goes at times.

#10 Are you in love or being loved now?
- In love.

#11 How do you see yourself in ten years' time?
- Hopefully married and having kids. Bring home work and playing with my kids and working at the same time, with my wife around me always.

#12 Who are currently the most important people to you?
- My special friend.

#13 What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
- Err.. Quite good person.. Looks blur at times.. Creative.. Not so sure 0.0

#14 Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
- Neither. I want to be attached but don't want to see my partner suffer. If I am poor I rather not marry.

#15 What's the first thing you do every morning?
- Switch off my alarm..

#16 Would you give your all in a relationship?
- Yes. She may just be my wife!

#17 If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
- Wow.. How to answer? Maybe see how deep and how pure?

#18 What type of friends do you like?
- Happy, committed, forgiving trusting. Playful, outdoor-kind.

#19 What type of friends do you dislike?
- People who cannot commit and deceiving. People who keeps things to themselves.

#20 If you were given the chance to turn back time, would you change anything?
- Don't think so. Regrets and disappointments are part of life, making me stronger somehow. Looking back, I wouldn't have my life otherwise..

BMTC #2: My Manager, PTE Leonard Teo

2008-06-18T19:01:00.005+08:00

So now to the second part, introducing my must-blog bed buddy cum my manager (cuz he made me famous)

At the first sight, he was a very nice person, full of manners and sociable. He was your typical nice guy. During the confinement week, he was always ready to help (as in READY to help, meaning: I'll help if you ask me to..). Then I also found out that he had a girlfriend (in fact, many of my platoon mates are attached. My section alone had 7/13, or 5/11 excluding those posted out.). The greatest thing was that they were together for 5 years!! It was like a record setter for our company! (until recently I heard that there's one 6 plus years from platoon 1). The girl is so blessed with this nice guy...

Until that day when he started my "Island Best" name-calling. It seemed like a drug to him that he must say it everyday every moment possible. Together with his quick wits (or twisted thinking) and my section's "Combat Medic", they would come out with funny ideas to describe my life, as they perceived it. Ideas like having a pull-up bar at home, to ridiculous ones like having a pull-up bar on a fighter plane and I'll power it by pulling as many and as fast as I can. Knowing that I want to be posted to Officer Cadet School (OCS), he would every morning greet me as though I am an officer already. He was very persistent with it, and kept saying that Army needs someone like me. He even signed me up for Air Force during a talk, and gave me the name "Thomas Brian".

Here comes his "bastard" part: As he got more and more used to me being an officer, abet I'm not even posted to OCS, he would always encourage me to greet the company officers and sergeants. The troublesome part was that he would rally people to ask me to do "my job". Under the pressure, I bent in. I got so used to it as well, and when there came an opportunity to greet our school's Commanding Officer, I got the entire company, even our Officer Commanding Capt Roger Chen, into attention and greeted him. Afterwards, My beloved Manager got even more daring and forcefully encouraged me to greet our commanders. There were a few times when I got tired of greeting, and he pulled me up and made me do it. I still recalled the worst one, where he pulled me up, called our company to attention, and sat down immediately, leaving me there to greet our commander.

There was still another area that he would be a "bastard", that is he would keep volunteering me to do things, or just make me do things, for the "sake of my OCS". He would bring my kindness to another level. When I would fill up the bottles for my section mates when I felt like it, he would make me do when I don't feel like it.

One more area: He made a song out of the song I would usually sing during our route march, which is "When the whistle blow". Goes like this:

C.P.T.1
He does it at home.
Early in the morning,
He washes his clothes.
What is his name?
Thomas Brian!
And he is the best
In Pulau Tekong.
So echo~ echo out loud ya!
Thomas Brian marching down the road ya!
So echo~ echo out loud ya!
Thomas Brian never let you down ya!

Even with all his "flaws", I would say I look up to him many times. When he helped people, he did so willingly, where I would grumble to myself, suck thumb and just do them. His "welfare" also surprises my platoon. When he was the I/C, where many would just leave the platoon in "at ease" position (of which we still cannot move in the file), he would command us to be at ease (meaning: just do whatever you want, within the file); where many will require the platoon to assemble in standing position, he would ask us to sit down in a file. His quick wits surprises us. There was once when our sergeant asked him to call his man (which was us) to assemble faster, he did as he was told, and without missing a beat gave us the permission to be at ease. There are a lot more things I looked up to him for, but it'll be too long to add..

By the way, he's damn strong and a professional fighter. In an weight category last year for Singapore "Sanshou" (something like kickboxing, managed by some organization), he defeated many opponents older than him! He had even made an "Ang Moh" (meaning: Caucasian) heavier than him "tap out" (meaning: admit defeat) in another friendly. I had a few friendlies with him, but was overpowered in just a instant. My Taekwondo skills were no match for his speed and flexibility, having learnt Muay Thai, grappling and locking. After a kick, I would get into his range for him to grapple me. Of course, not wanting to give up just like that, I struggled many times, finally relenting to his strength. To add, he got bronze for that Open Category tournament...

I was really blessed to have him as my bed buddy, my friend, and my Manager..

-irreplaceable (male version)

2008-06-13T22:06:00.003+08:00

(player's on the left, thank you..)

To the right, to the right
(Huh, get, get to steppin`)
To the right, to the right
(Woahh ayy yeah)
To the right, to the right
That's where I'm goin' in the middle of the night
Now in the closet, that's your stuff
But trick, I bought it, so bitch don't touch (don't touch)
You talk a lotta bullshit, alright
But while you walk 'n talk I'mma gettin' high now
It's my name that's on your last
You bald-headed rat tryna get ridda that
Back up outta my face fraud
I'm really tryna not talk to you

Talkin' bout I'm neva gonna find a girl like you
You must got me fucked up
You must not know 'bout me
You must think I'm playing
'Cause I can have another you in an hour
Matter of fact, she's upstairs in tha shower, baby

You must now know 'bout me
You must think I'm playing
I can find another you on the corner
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' you're irreplaceable

Trick, give me my phone so I can call the chick and see if she's home, yeah
(Oh shit I) Oh shit I forgot she's already home
What did you think I was putting you out for?
'Cause you was unreal
Kinda like the horse that was sittin' on the back of your head
Baby fix them teeth
Seeing your face is so old to me

Back out outta my face fraud
I'm really not tryna talk to you
Tellin' me I'm neva finding a girl like you
Well ya got me so damn twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must think I'm playing
'Cause I can have another you in a minute
Matter of fact, she'll drive up in a minute, baby

You must not know 'bout me
You must think I'm playing
I can have another you in an hour
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin', you're irreplaceable (irreplaceable)

So since I'm not your everything
I'm not giving you anything
Nothing at all to you
Baby, I'm not giving you nothing, no wayyy
Go ahead and shed your tears
'Cause the truth of the matter is
Replacing you was done last year

To the right, to the right
To the right, to the right (you gotta go, go to the right right oh yeah)
To the right, to the right (oh yeah ohh woahhh)
To the right, to the right
Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' (What?!)
Get to thinkin' (What?!)
Get to thinkin' you're irreplaceable

You must not know 'bout me
You must think I'm playing
You must not know that I can have another you in a minute
Matter of fact, she'll be here in a minute. baby

You must not know about me (baby)
You must think I'm playing
I can have another you in an hour
Matter of fact, she's upstairs in the shower ohhh

You must not know 'bout me
You must think I'm playing
I can find another you, baby
There's so many of you baby

Gold diggin'(You must not know 'bout me)
Two timin' (You must think I'm playing)
Back stabbin'
Always lying
Always leaving, I need somethin'
But the truth is
You have always been replaceable (Ooh)
Please see yourself out this way

Nice song, mockery to the core! haha..

SOngs

2008-06-12T23:27:00.001+08:00

Set a new list of songs for my blog, in attempt to refurbish it.. haha..

BMTC #1: I am Island Best

2008-06-12T10:13:00.004+08:00

Yay, POP lo..!

Finally after some gruesome 9 weeks in Tekong, I'm outta there. So happy :)

Or at least, I should be feeling this way..

I entered the island with a troubled and uncertain heart, but throughout this 9 weeks I grew stronger spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. I got a better view of myself! I am so glad when on the last day my section commander told me that though I may be outstanding in my platoon, being known throughout the company made famous by my "beloved" manager, I am myself (as in I dun wayang around..).

I still recalled how I came to be that "Island Best" or "Tekong Best" or that "Thomas Brian" that the company is familiar with. It was the third week of BMT. Sergeant Joel tasked us that every section in our platoon has to do 250 pull ups in total. As my section mate Jerald was on Att C (meaning reported sick and is at home), we had less people to hit the benchmark. It cost us even more given that Jerald always did a lot of pull ups when the benchmark was at 200 previously. So I decided to help my section by being the one pulling while they supported me up (its within the rules Xp). Next to my section was another section with this person named Spartan Ben, as he is very fit and can do a lot of pull ups. He was given a title of "Platoon Best" by his section. Not wanting to lose to them, my Manager Mr Leonard Teo decided to bestow to me the title of "Island Best".

My Manager and my section's "combat medic" (as he, Raymond, is a medic by vocation but training to be a combatant) loves to make fun of me using my name. They made jokes out of me doing pull ups everywhere I go, like me having chin up bars at home so that I can do when I am at home. And since I was the "Island Best", going back home to me as they thought was a confinement to me, having to leave Tekong for mainland. Then they started linking "Island Best" with "Tekong Best" and just kept calling me that. My platoon soon came to know me by those titles. What's worst was that my Manager signed me up for Air Force as he said that I was suited for the Army and must sign on. Under my nose he signed me up for the Air Force, using the NRIC, name and contact that I gave him under the requirement of our buddy system. He can't possibly write my name as "Tekong Best Tan Si Kai", and he gave me this name "Thomas Brian Tan Si Kai" and submitted the form.

So when was I made famous? It was during the second day of my field camp (5th week) when our platoon 4 platoon sergeant called for a volunteer for each platoon. It was in the midst of his lesson, and every platoon called on the person they always sabo-ed out. When he asked my platoon, my helpful Manager shouted out my name and rallied a few people to do the same. One more fact was that all the commanders were present at the lesson, and even our Officer Commanding Capt Roger Chen was there. My name was known to everyone who could remember then.

There was another incident one week after our field camp. There was this Air Engineering Officer follow-up talk/ interview. Surprisingly, I was the only one who's name was called. Our Chief Duty Officer (CDO) for the day called out: "There will be an AEO talk for the following recruit in the evening today. When I called out your name please acknowledge. Thomas Brian." He looked around. I looked around as well, thinking: who is this person to have such a weird name? He called out again:"Thomas Brian. Thomas Brian Tan Si Kai." Oh its me! Argh Leonard thanks ar..

-Numb...-

2008-06-12T10:05:00.001+08:00

Looking around, feeling empty again.
People passing by, children playing by, couples laughing by…
Here I am, alone once again.

Blinded by my own perceived love,
Trusted too much in your words,
Naively,
I fail to see what you are telling me…

I could have done better; I want to do better;
But you stopped me…

What’s done
is done.

Only time can tell whether wounds will ever heal…

field camp

2008-06-08T15:55:00.001+08:00

wow long time since last posting. maybe update with my long delayed field camp experience =]

Field camp is really a tough time for me. That’s when I realize a few more things about myself under stress.

The 8km route march nearly wore me out, together with the baking heat from the sun. Then there was tent building. The ground was so hard and one of the tent pins isn’t in a good condition. The harder we knocked, the more it bent. The worst part is that irritating rifle which we had to sling while knocking in the tent pins. It kept moving around even when I had it tightly sling. Finally, I place it on the floor and kept my leg in between the sling and the rifle. Even then, due to my short term memory, I soon forgot about it until platoon sergeant reminded me of it. Needless to say, I was in for guard duty that night.

The night view of the camp can be intimidating. It was so dark except for the light that emerges from the commander's tent. I had my first experience of powder bathing and many guys naked with me. I never knew that it could be so important until the end of field camp that I saw the heat rashes on my body. The first sleep was also not very nice. I thought with my experience in NCC sleeping in my school’s field would get me accustomed to the hard and rocky ground, but it didn’t. I would wake up with numbness here and there and adjust myself to relieve them. With my bunk mates talking about sergeants stunning rifles at night, I got afraid of landing in another night of guard duty and hugged my rifle to sleep, magazine in my Load Bearing Vest. Though nothing went on that night, I came to know that one of the sergeants indeed tried stunning one of my platoon mate’s rifle in the middle of the night.

The guard duty was like the previous that I served, prowling around. I also landed myself to another round the next day while talking to my platoon sergeant leaving my rifle a short distance away for a quick question. I came to know that even that was not the acceptable behavior the hard way. With 2 nights of guard duty, I lacked sleep and mood turned a little foul. Still, I pulled through the 3days in the camp site. I was also made famous by my manager Mr. Leonard Teo, who volunteered me during a lesson. It was also at our camp site where we had our fire movement practice. It was pretty fun, and I learnt how to clear double feeding and triple feeding, though it still required a long time to clear. Moreover, I had to force myself to prone on the grasses, upon all the insects that may be crawling under. There was also this latrine area that we used. I managed to shit on the second day! Wow I can’t imagine myself squatting in some shit hole that contain other’s shit as well. It was an interesting experience, and also seeing flies around, I learnt to shit and shake my butt at the same time to prevent any from landing on me!

There came Group Battle Course (GBC). It was the highlight of the entire camp. We went around clearing danger areas and moving tactically. Then we took cover when there was noise of vehicles nearby, bashing into the vegetation and prone. Then there were some vegetation that was not good for bashing and I had to run along the way looking for one. One of the bad points is that we lose communication easily under cover, and have yet to get over the problem.

Then it poured heavily. The road was all filled with potholes with water, and I just ran across them. This caused my boots to be soaked in water after awhile. There was also a period where we were held up as others were using the same route (which is lame, but no choice I guess). My group and I found some cover behind the trees and we sat to have some snacks. GBC finally ended with a test. Sadly, I had to prone a few times in mud and soggy sand. I was all wet.

Our new camp site was near other camp. I miss bunk life. So near, yet so far. We ended our day sleeping under canopy. This time I got afraid of insects as the ground is still damp and it’s really a forest this time (the other being a former rubber plantation site). I kept my helmet on for fear of things dropping on my head, and I can also minimize exposure of skin. It turned cold in the middle of the night, and I tried to just keep awake for fear of getting a cold. My body got over me, and I gave up, rub my hands together, tugged myself and tried to sleep. I woke up a few times before it was finally the time to wake up.

The event for the first day in my new camp site was to dig shell scrapes. We spent the whole day just to dig it. The worst part was that the rifle had to be sling to us. In my first try I nearly had an outburst because of my irritating rifle. I thought to myself: what for letting my emotions get over me and continue digging? Then I decided to take a rest once every few moments of digging just to clear the mud on my boots, which made it very heavy and injuring my knee. I also took the chance to helmet-off to cool my head. Taking my time to dig of course had its downside. I soon got very bored of it and was digging with less zeal. Still, I managed to get it done, unlike my PC’s first time when he dug for 2 days. One thing I love about shell scrape was that compared to other ground, its cozy. With a little insect repellent over my body, I’m unafraid of the insects around and set myself to sleep. Even when it got cold at night, it was still manageable and I slept soundly. The only downside was that every one of us had to do those guard duty thing in the middle of the night.

The second last day was mainly uneventful. We had lessons, took our test, and the rest went to the camp site to slack. Well for me, I had it better. We had fire patrol, which was for those who fail GBC. But anyway, I had a number of experiences there. It was there I saw my platoon sergeant grabbing my comrade’s helmet and shouting at him. He seemed to keep doing it. Maybe he has a fetish for it. Anyway it was there that I ran into a large spider the size of my hands! It was once where we were taking cover when I felt my face went in to some web. Then my comrade saw the large spider on my head and attempted to brush it off with his rifle. What went across my mind at the time was: SHOOT IT WITH THE BLANKS! He failed in his mission, and the spider was there so near my face! I yelped and jumped around, attempting to hit off the spider with my rifle butt. Then I ran out and took off everything. The spider was no where to be seen, but I don’t want to see it anyway.

The third special experience that I had was to be involved in bee drills. Not really bee drills, but my on of my comrades ran into a bee infested tree while taking cover and got a sting. We ran like with was artillery strike in the air for around 100m before the sergeant with us told us to stop. We went back to take a look, and indeed there was a hive. There was also an insect on the ground which turned blue-black and squirming around on the ground, swollen in size. It was disgusting, but nonetheless interesting. It is a pity that no camera is allowed on the island.

The last fun experience during the fire patrol was the part where my comrades and I gave our all into the stimulated game. We shouted out loud, we did our prone regardless of the ground (I’m so thankful for the insect repellent. It made me daring.), and we did our drills correctly. The whole fire patrol ended with an artillery drill.

On the last day was Battle Inoculation Course (BIC). It was really nothing much but leopard crawling and back crawling and machine guns firing overhead. It was the most tiring of the entire camp! It took so much of my energy that I had to recuperate every few crawls. And finally, it all ended.

~Doubts..~

2008-04-07T19:40:00.002+08:00

Why am I
still holding on,
and allowing myself to be hurt?

Why am I
still so lost,
yet trying to walk with confidence?

Why am I
still so weak,
yet trying to be strong?

Why am I
still full of troubles,
yet unwilling to trouble others?

Why am I
still trying to be a good man,
when I don't feel appreciated but abused?

Should I go on my road..?
Where is that voice that comforts...?
Where is that voice that guides..?
Where is that presence that give joy to my heart..?
Am I doing the right thing?

Yet I'll continue, because both of you, my important pillars, asked me to
be a good man...

~Mr. Nobody~

2008-03-23T20:27:00.002+08:00

Today I dreamt of myself being a nobody. Though I forgot alot of it, I cant forget this part...

I dreamt being in a place, and with me were jia sheng and the rest of the kids. Brother Valor was there, and placed his hands on jia sheng, he prophesied that jia sheng will be someone great (forgot the title..). In the dream I saw jia sheng slowly growing up and really became a great person. Other kids were as well, but for me, I was lagging behind, never changed at all..

Somehow, this dream hits me quite hard. I woke up doubting myself and my purpose. I told myself before that I want to work to provide for my family in the future, but I don't even have a girlfriend now, and my relationships with others aren't that good either. My previous relationship is still haunting me, eroding me from inside. I want to let go, but I cant find the strength to. I want to move on, but still, I am afraid. Very afraid.

Then my other goal was to be a philanthropist. Its really what I want to be, someone who has more than enough, to be a living epistle and a blessing to people. That's the reason why I wanted to study Accountancy and Finance. Its for the money, not to be worried over it but to have enough to give others as well. This dream made me doubt my ability to get where I wanted, made me rethink of my paths.

Haix.. I am in a sorry state. Even I feel ashamed of myself. I was once up and about preaching about goals and vision, but I cant even save myself. I doubted everything, even my God. After reading the bible, I felt a little better. Still, my fears stuck.

Maybe its just my nervousness acting up. My enlistment is 2 weeks away. I don't know what to do about it now, except to wait and see. I don't know what to hope for, what will the outcome be, how my relationship with the people around, people whom I am close to, will turn out in the end. I was waiting for someone to say to me, "No matter what, I will never leave you."

People will say, God will never leave you, yet I had never had a close encounter with God. I do not have a faith that says, "I'm not afraid, for I know You will never leave me nor forsake me." My closest encounter would be in what the bible calls the Holy place, where God's presence overspilled into it. I had never heard God.

I want to be alive in someone's heart, not just a passing figure whom people met once in a while, not just a figure that is temporary..

The real truth is that, I had never trusted anyone to stay by me. All along, I had believed that friends just come and go, not there to stay. I believed that God has more things to matter than to spend time with me. I am just an insignificant being not worthy to trouble anyone.

All that said, maybe its time for me to move on.. Maybe I should have moved on long ago.. The stay has been good, but painful.. Thanks people..

Nth much..

2008-03-17T09:58:00.002+08:00

Wow.. its nearly 1 month since i last blogged.. this page's gathering dust..

anyway, I am taking time off work now (slacking in fact..).. hee..

Why am i so slack?

Cuz my work not rushing..

I still remember what my boss said to me last thursday..

I hand him the work I had done for the week
Boss: Hmmm.. Let me see ar..

Flipped through a little.. Saw some markings I'd made..
Boss: Hmmm.. Okay.. Still a bit messy.. The difference here is due to excess or can't find the (machine) part?

Looking at the stats..
Boss: Hmmm.. So you cant find the part is it?
me: Ya.. but it may be because the parts were moved while I was stock-taking (aka, stock taking at real time..)
Boss: Hmmm.. Okay.. Well the layout is still messy.. Tell you what, since you have time here, help me redo so that its more presentable..

Sian.. My one week of slacking effort.. and now more weeks to slack doing the same thing, except to enter into softcopy.. no deadline somemore.. not motivated.. haiz...

Anyway for those who dunno, I'm doing basic audit, working at my uncle's workplace. My uncle, a sales manager, is my boss. The reason that I was roped in is because the accounts had a bit of discrepancies and I was to do some auditing (comparing book values, aka the accounts, with the physical invoices). I did that for 1 week, afterwhich my boss said: "Hmmm, must find something for you to do..."

Zzz..

So so anyway, I roped in my friend, XiuWen, into this company too, as she was facing unemployment at that time (2 weeks ago..). So here we are, in this company, different boss though and different job scope.. Her's data entry.. Sian-ned job...

I matched my job time with her, cuz she part-time (not that she wants but anyway..). After work, we would go around explore explore.. Till date, we went to places like orchard together (direct bus), went into LV, Rolex, Gucci, Ramen Ten, Gelare and many other expensive stores for fun.. In fact, I find LV Rolex etc super boring.. Even the staffs of Rolex indirectly agree (just look at the watch makers slacking around.. lol..)

lazy to blog liao.. just did alot of things with xw.. even got drenched in rain and hit by waters splashed by the cars.. so we went through some really hard times together, and fun times too.. hahaha.. aiya nth much la..

Sian...

~Love Hina~

2008-02-22T11:09:00.002+08:00

Hmm long time never blog again.. anyway today i'll blogging on my all-time fav manga and anime: Love Hina.

Okay la I have to be truthful here: the initial reason why i watch Love Hina anime is because of their fan service. But as I watch, I learnt to look beyond their phyique into the story. The story is really very nice (to me la..). Maybe its because I like comics with character development.

So very briefly, this story is about a guy named Keitaro and a girl named Narusagawa. As usual, the guy likes the gal but the gal dun like the guy. The story is complicated further when Keitaro was forced to live in a girls dorm as a manager with other girls, including Naru. So the story goes about Keitaro's special experiences with each one of them and how they come together as a clique.

What I like about this story is that there's a discussion on what love is, and the difference in level, as well as how love for different people can coexist harmoniously. Unlike a typical love triangle where the result is one being kicked out, this story shows how the triangle can be preserved without harming anyone. Though a fictional, its every man's hope. Hahaha..

Aiya i dunno how to intro la.. Just watch lo..

BTW, there's a fanfiction for it and its really nicely protraited, though the background of the story is needed. Recommend finishing the "real" story first.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1710969/1/Loss_and_Redemption
(scroll down to the bottom to continue the story)

Motoko and Keitaro!

PS my other fav manga/anime:
-bleach
-naruto (not so much.. kinda draggy..)

~Outing~

2008-01-26T21:17:00.000+08:00

Yupyup, so today was a day out with my JC class. There was ah gong, celine, maio sia, yann ming, chloe (kaiyu), shi hua, chao min, jimmy, jun hong, guo hao, david, clement and me. Of course there was the usual late people as well as the early leavers, like celine who had to leave for tutoring and maio sia to her own world, and clement and chao min were both late (as in super late..).

So, we went to sakae sushi@atrium (douby ghaut btw) and had buffet lunch. The food was okay la.. The sad thing was that the food on the conveyor belt were not so nice till we were near the end of lunch, and we were kinda full to fill in those nice dishes. There were jokes aplenty from guo hao the joker and those on my table had a abundance of laughter.

After lunch we went to arcade, where chloe and shi hua play a ghost busting game. A short while later chloe gave up and I took over. Its really super tiring! When I finished playing with yann ming, my right arm swelled like nobody's business. I got a revelation of the size of my arm in BMT. Afterwards me yann and dav went to play car racing. Super sian.. My drifting cant make it and my car crashed alot of times.. Think I cant handle speeds up over 200km/h.. Played with ah gong and dav as well.. Got 3rd.. Wanna cry.. Btw I saw this aircraft catfight stimulation game there. Its was really cool with the high speeds and the twist and turns. I really admire those who can successfully play through the first few stages, though they cant complete.

Anyway after that, we were on separate paths and soon went home. Not that eventful, but at least its a good start. The future will be better.. haha..

Hmmm.. My mood seemed very bothered today.. Kept thinking about her.. Don't feel like giving up, yet know the cost of not giving up.. I am so confused and uncertain about my position.. Sometimes its upswing and on high and the next moment crash again.. hai.. my fault I guess.. sian..

~Bad day..Sort of..~

2008-01-14T21:30:00.000+08:00

As the day approach an end, my headache remains constant. This shows that my headache is independant of the time of the day..

Sian.. The headache came soon after I start my work for the day.. With that sheer amount of dust from the files and the pollutants I breathed earlier while running, I'm sure to get sick. And true it was, I felt nauseous after my dinner and had to go home early.

At least, I finished the hardest part of my work. The rest are easy to do provided that I recover, which I believe tomorrow is the day. My friend even commented that I never took sick leave since I started working (I only took off to play..). Thanks to him, I am sick with slight fever =/

Anyway, my phone throwing tantrum at me (Dorcas forbid me to use the other word..) Due to some profound electrical discharge, my phone's memory ran up from the usual 20MB of used space to 45MB of used space, with 109KB of free space left. All thanks to its mood , I was cut from messages and messaging for yesterday and today (till just now..). I had to delete all my saved messages to receive my belated messages . BUT it was not enough. After my bath, my free memory hit rock bottom at 27KB. I had to delete my theme (3MB) to be able to receive messages again. Think needa send my phone for conselling on work ethics (phone)

Anyway, I must really stop posting stuff about Dorcas and me. Fans are tired of this, and moreover the problem is solved on the day.. Seriously no point..

~An unfruitful morning..~

2008-01-14T08:21:00.000+08:00

Just back from my jog from Christ Church Secondary, after sending Dorcas to her workplace (which is at Christ Church of cause!)..

Reflecting back, all the more I question myself: Why am I sowing seeds on her? It seemed like a waste of time. The moment I met her under her block, I thought we are ready for a conversation, as friends or whatever. Somehow, as many mouth opening and closing with many words coming out, I felt even more distant from her. We had digressed. There was no heart-to-heart talk, but just verbal exchange of information, like the cream she used on her face, her appearance for the day etc. I could see that she wasn't focussed on our conversation, or the lack of it. In the interchange she even admitted that she was searching if she could find her friends! From then on, I know all efforts are useless. Her heart was not there..

What can I do, but just regret that I sent her for her first day of work. I thought it'll cheer her up, dispel her fear, help her to be more positive, but I guess the time was not right for that. I asked myself: Is this the life I want to live? There is no hope in hoping. Maybe I should just let the seed germinate by itself. However, I fear that by leaving it to itself, it'll die! I am not sure where to go from here..

I forgive her for the hurt she caused; I want to reconsider my plans for me and her. I don't see her as my equal anymore. Instead it feels like I am trying to change her, to suit myself, which is totally impossible, since we are borned naturally different. There is no hope in that relationship..

I want to refocus my life for this year. I want to live a life of higher calling. Last week Sister Sin Man gave me bible study on Life's Greatest Aim: Pursue Love. I had been thinking for this past few days about this, and it came in timely. For this year I make this resolution, to pursue love. I know it will be hard, especially with regard to Dorcas. To all others it will be easier, since I had no previous relationship with them, and so it's easier to love; to Dorcas, I would be concerned about her feelings for me, how I am treated by her etc. I forsee that as the year ends, my relationship with her will be even more complicated. It is a challenge set by God to stretch me. I only fear that I can not handle the stress, that I am not good enough to handle the challenge, and in the end wreck the relationship..

My only hope is in this promise:

"For we know that all things work together for good

to those who love God,

to those who are the called according to His purpose"

-Rom 8:28

It will all be good in the end. Even if I were to hit the worst case senario, I will not be afraid to stand up again.

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;

Blessed is the name of the Lord

(Job 1:21).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Friday..~

2008-01-12T11:24:00.000+08:00

So I was busy till today, so now blogging about yesterday..

Yesterday morning I went out for a jog with Dorcas. I was quite uncertain of the outcome, since for the past few outings it had not turn out well, and so I prayed the night before that all will be fine, that our Covenant would be binding. Gave her a wake up call in the morning (cuz I dun trust that she can wake up and call me. Last week's incident where she missed her alarm and we can't jog was still fresh in my mind..), and we went for a jog in the stadium.

We started out fine as usual, maybe a bit tentative. During the jog, we chatted a little on serveral issues (forgotten most of them..) but things took for a turn. I was kinda upset and stopped talking, as she did. At our 7th round, I ran forward by myself (cuz I thought it was the 8th round..). After I realised my mistake, I continue jogging next to her but ignored her all the way..

After our jog we went to clean up. As a guy, I was done earlier and went out for a walk on the track, reflecting on our relationship and clearing my mind. As I reached the finish line, unsure of what inspired me, I turned and saw her walking towards me! I was caught by surprise, as I estimated that she'll take a longer time. Anyway, we went to some other exercise facilities before heading home.

Somehow we just got closer and more relaxed with each other as we reached her block. We ended up seating down and talked about her future career, goals, my recent conversation with my mom etc..

After all these we agreed to meet later for lunch at Causeway Point, my treat (if not she'll be eating bread only =.=) before going, suppose to anyway, to G2000 to buy my shirt as there's discount. Had a fruitful time with her, and got to know that she was tired while jogging, so isn't very focussed on the conversation. Well, forgiven =]

I went for my work, which starts at 12pm, but I thought it was 1pm. In order to make up for it, I had to arrive earlier to do my due, else cut my dinner time short.. ar whateva..

~Thursday..~

2008-01-12T10:50:00.000+08:00

This few days been very occupied so no time to blog.. hee..

Hmmm on thursday, my team and I moved on to moving X-Rays files to B2. These files, as thin as they may be, weights like 25-30kg in a bunch! And they were like this thick only:

11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

Textbooks that thick weighs only about 10kg. This isn't the only problem. It can even be minor problem, since the trolley to put the X-Rays are only a short distance away. The real problem is that some of the files in the shelves are really in a mess! Some shelves are OVERFLOWING with X-Rays, that they even pop out considerably and covered half of the passage way, which is only slightly larger than the shoulder width. As I sieve out the 2006 files, I had to flip across the files one-by-one to make sure there isn't any hidden, and yet I had to flip across the files once again to check. Most of the time, I would miss some files. Some of the files are even crumpled and hidden behind all the files, at the back of the shelves =.= . Moreover, all these work are back breaking. After the day I felt both my upper back and lower back hurts.

Well there's one good thing. Time over there passes very quickly. It's like 1hr had passed when it was actually 2hrs! So time flies away.. Haha..

In the evening I had a "cell group dinner" with some of my cell group members. We went to Plaza Sing to have our dinner, suppose to anyway, but as the kids came along, Kel and Sin Man brought them to watch movie. (actual fact was that this was a dinner-cum-movie session, but since all of us don't want to stay out late, most of us forgo the movie.)

The rest of us went Kopitiam to have our dinner. Funny thing was that after our dinner, when all of us were chatting, suddenly random statements came out. Very soon none of us make sense of who's talking what and we just cut the conversation short and went to tcc (The Coffee Connoisseur) to chill. Nothing much happened, just that I choked on my water and nearly died there.

Got home late, sleep even later. Luckily I will be working night shift tomorrow...

2008-01-09T23:07:00.000+08:00

Our Covenant

(as Best of Friends to each other):
On this Covenant we both made

That whatever the circumstance

Be it the highest or the lowest point

We will stand by each other

In truth and love

Today, tomorrow and the days to come.

-Si Kai, Dorcas

~Forgiven~

2008-01-09T20:30:00.000+08:00

I guess I was too overly emotional earlier.. This few weeks had not been very good.. With break-up on New Year Eve, arguments upon arguments, strained relationships, life has been tormenting me.. making me lose alot of hopes and faith..

At least, now I know, that perhaps, for now, I am still something to her (I cant say for future.. too many dashed hopes and dreams.. I fear hope, for it brings much grief...)

She messaged:
Skai.. I'm sorry.. I've been too hot-tempered to you today.. I've thought through our friendship.. You're a very good friend of mine whom I don't want to lose.. I kept setting restrictions, making things difficult for you and saddening you on many occasions.. Sorry.. I dunno isn't partly is it due to my mood swings that I became more temperamental.. But I hope that you can stand by me during this transition state of my life.. I really don't want to turn into an acquaintance.. What you said is true.. Indeed, friends will compromise, but I failed to do that.. Sorry.. Will you accept my apology?

I replied:
Hai.. Why will I not? You are a friend that I cannot afford to lose, a best friend, once a partner.. We shared a long history together with both ups and downs.. [I forgive you]

~End~

P.S. Mood swings does not necessitate to periods, for those who think otherwise. For those-who-think-otherwise, mood swings are rapid emotional upheavals. It occurs when a person is in a transition state, either physically or mentally or both.. Stress is an attributing factor to it, since stress generates hormones that changes moods..

P.S.S. For those who feel mush-ed up over this, well you are not of the age to read.. haha..

~(Dun feel like giving a title)~

2008-01-09T19:22:00.000+08:00

Today was a very very sad day for me..

Maybe I really had been holding too tight.. Maybe I really can't give it up.. I still recall, just 2 days ago, I am so convicted to my cause, my vision of both of us together after all these trials.. Yet, after meeting her up to go for job interviews together, I felt, really, that we can't be together for even the future.. Even my vision, my hope with my faith, was blurred..

Initially, I thought all was okay.. We got along just fine, so fine to the extent that I felt as though we were back together again.. Luckily before meeting her, I told myself repeated to watch myself.. We went to RecruitExpress@Orchard for her job interview, afterwhich we went to B2 where we saw her friend.. During these few times, we had our fair amount of chat and hitting each other (jokingly of cuz..).. I was mindful of the line which she created for us..

It was at Bugis, Fortune Centre, where things took a turn.. I forgot to re-key in the address of the place for my job interview (as I accidentally deleted it the day before..), and we had a hard time trying to find the place.. I called my bro, but he needed to use the toilet for awhile, while my mom isn't home.. In the end I got a chilling from her for not doing things well enough, like adding the contacts etc.. I was like, I know, sorry, but her tone was so sharp.. I forgave on this one, initially..

We went for a walk around Fortune Centre.. So we played a little, and it went to the her newspaper that was in my hands.. She wanted to throw it away, so I pulled out the back of her collar and pretend to stuff it in.. Her face turned black immediately and swiftly took the newspaper and threw it into the dustbin.. Sharply, again, she informed me that she doesn't like people to stuff things into her shirt.. Like I don't know..?

I got enough of this limit crap.. If all friends care about is limits, limits and limits (the closeness to each other), there won't be any progress! Just ask around: Which friendship doesn't involve sacrifices and moving out of comfort zone? Which friendship doesn't involve compromising?

I realised I am not God.. Far from it, I am a human.. I tried to be like Jesus to her, but maybe, I'm just too full of myself.. To her, friends are just people whom you can talk to, but not indept.. To me, friends are true friends; they are people I can trust; they are people I can talk to; they are people whom I am comfortable enough to let them know some of my feelings; they are people whom I can tease; they are people whom I can care for; they are people whom I am unwilling to sacrifice for other things; they are people whom I can give joy, share joy, derive joy from.. Friends to me aren't any roadside acquaintance.. They are important people God place in my life, to support me when I am down, to give support to when they are down.. Simply said: A friend in need is a friend indeed..

I don't feel the value of this relationship anymore.. I don't feel like working for something that simply hurt us.. The more I tried to salvage this relationship, to bring it to its glory, the more hurt I cause on both of us.. I simply don't see any longer..

Not to say its all her fault totally.. She tried to salvage too, in a wrong way.. She said: If you were not to move and try out all possible pathways, we will distance from each other.. My thought was: Why can't you do the job?

Seriously, I don't feel her valuing this relationship.. Its like a relationship easily replaced! She asked for forgiveness.. Under normal circumstance, I would have forgiven, but now I can't! Her sorry was so matter-of-fact.. So what if she knows where she's wrong, but just don't understand it? Can knowledge save? Does she knows the underlying emotional currents? Does she even wish, with fervent desire, to salvage an 8 year long friendship?

I am tired of correcting her.. Tired of trying to make her see.. She's just so stubborn to her thoughts, so self-righteous.. With thoughts on perfection in perfection, she failed to see the perfection in imperfection.. She failed to see the diamond in an uncut diamond..

I walked down the bed of roses.. O' where's she? That imperfect flower with great perfection..

~Simply Life~

2008-01-08T21:51:00.001+08:00

So today ended.. The day was cool..

I managed to beat my own record of the highest number of medical records pulled out of the shelves.. And completed my work in the children's medical records library, after 1month of spending my time in those cramped corners.. Speaking of 1month, it seemed just yesterday when I first started in that section.. Still remember how slowly I pulled out those records and my big boss remarked: "That's too slow!" Seemed like yesterday, where I would reflect on my life and fought with doubts.. It was a good fight, for I grew closer to the Lord, have greater faith.. Seemed like yesterday, where I would greet my colleagues working in that area.. Tomorrow, I'll be working in a different section.. X-rays section.. Pretty cool about it.. No hopes nor expectations.. Maybe too tired from today to consider them.. Quite happy I managed to savor a few moments of slacking, righteously, for I had no more files to pull in that library and there's no time for my boss (immediate superior) to move me to the X-ray section, since he was busy helping my very sick teammate to complete his job..

Talking about my very sick teammate, he's an interesting fella.. He was from my former Sec School, and knew about me from my ex (my 1st..).. Its such a small world.. How sick was he? Well he took a total of 5 sick leave, went to Genting for 3 days.. He was very "sick".. On the eve of Xmas he took a sick leave, 1day after Xmas went Genting, called in on Monday to report sick =.= yesterday and today reported fever.. Though he isn't paid, and its wrong to judge, I can't help but felt that he's not being very responsible about his work. Its like a leisure to him.. Even while working, he would slack around and talk, do things slowly.. And I was previously so proud of my country's work ethic..

My discipler, seeing this, should be wanting a private chat with me, asking me why didn't I motivate him.. I guessed.. hee..

Btw during my work, which requires me to transit between B1 and B2, I realised something: No one, and I mean NO ONE (except me and my teammates) bothers the direction the lift is going.. There was this once today when I was in B1, today, where the digital arrow of the lift obviously is pointing downwards, and another fella, who wanted to take the lift up, went into the lift. So I thought: Maybe he just wanted to go down with me before taking the lift up. As I entered the lift, he said to me: This lift is going up. (0.0!!!??) [later I pointed out to him that it was actually heading down, and he realised his mistake..] Many other of such incidents, though less serious, happened in the passenger lifts..

Hmm.. Oh ya this morning I was taking the train to Novena.. I was standing and reading newspaper- In the past when I could manage to fight for my seat I would sleep, and sometimes miss my stop of cuz, the worst being at douby ghaut- So today I missed my stop!! OMG!! Standing awake and yet MISS the stop!! Can't believe it..I went to Orchard for a shopping trip..

Anyway I did my accounts today, and hit a cashflow problem =/ The class chalet, Cell group BBq and Cell group dinner is hitting my expenditure hard.. plus the hair cut, the food, hp bills, transport fares.. Omg my mom passed all the bills to me.. And STILL don't allow me financial independence.. I just lent my friend $200, a friend whom I trust, and she kept bugging me about it.. Nothing to say sia..

All in alll.. Cool day..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Single. Again.

2008-01-07T21:59:00.000+08:00

Hai I would not have tot that my 1st post after so long would be a sad one. For those that didn't know, I broke up with my "would-be" girlfriend on the eve of new year. Till now, I have still yet to settle down..

Let see.. This is a probation period set by her, termed by me. It started from the start of Prelims. We were study buddies, and she would frequently come over to my house to study for exams. Actually, its nearly every weekdays. haha.. So our relationship kicked off from there. We started getting closer.. from bro-sis relationship to couple-y. So the tickling gradually turned into hugging.. We also massaged for each other too (with clothes on of cuz... Jian Wei remember that hor.. haha..), and did weekly jogs in the stadium. Its nearly like I'll see her everyday! Moreover as "A" levels approaches, we would stay up late into the night together to do practice papers and I'd call to check her answers, but most of the times we'll get carried away.. haha..

There's also these few times when my mom and bro isn't home; she and I will just take the house as our own and kinda do our own stuffs at our own will (nothing serious happen so relax..) there will be those cliche moments where I'll hug her and study at the same time as well as washing dishes together (mostly its her la.. she insisted..). Then there are times where I'll lie on her lap and sleep (hee hee super blessed..). There is once where I had to leave her at home alone while I go to school for a mock math paper. Its quite an experience, to have a loved one at home waiting for you. You'll really feel such a yearn for your loved one, to hurry home to meet her. Moreover, I took the wrong bus and got home late, but there she is still studying quietly waiting for my arrival, and when me did, gave me a big smile welcoming me home.

There are also times where I went over to her house, when only she was at home. Though main purpose is to study, but as she needs to bathe and such, I'd either help her solve her sums, or lie on her bed and sleep till she's ready. Even then, when she started pulling me up, I would pull her to bed and hugging her to sleep.. Of course, after a while we still had to get up.. And she'll wash my face for me =D .. Really felt so loved by her, though she told me she doesn't know what's love..

Then come those days of trials.. It was after exam and we were both working.. Its really the time I missed her alot.. Maybe its that the situation is so different and I need time to cope.. Compared to A level period, we now have little time for each other.. Moreover in my workplace, the work is so routine, so I have actually time to reflect, which is the time doubt strikes real hard on me.. Many times I tried to counter, but as time passes, my defences became weak, and I began to doubt.. Its really my problem, that I failed to recall the good times.. I told her my problem, that I dun feel that she's putting effort into this relationship, and she got quite upset.. Then there were times I was overcame by my weakness, and she could not forgive me for that, for I knew perfectly well she just cant accept it. But then she still forgave..

Till the last time.. I think she really cannot take it anymore.. Cant really blame her.. I fail to see nor inquire into her heart, her emotions.. I failed to notice that she took quite a beating standing in between me and her mom ( her mom doesn't like me ).. At times when our personality clashes, I failed to see much from her point of view, but insisted on my "philosophical" point.. I really failed her..

Maybe she's right.. We are not compatible.. Maybe as yet, maybe forever.. Till now, part of me still thinks I am right, that my "philosophical" point of view isn't wrong.. Maybe so, but it cost so much just to maintain it.. Is there a practical philosophy? Maybe I am too young to understand as yet..

We broke up on 31/12/07.. A really wrong time to break up, but there wasn't any choice I guess.. The break was deep.. I thought we could still be quite close, but an emotionally line was drawn by her.. I thought we could still be best of friends, teasing each other, but a line of respect was drawn by her.. We are now.. Friends? By my judgement, less than a friend, more than a acquaintance..

I regret this relationship.. Moved on too fast, established too little.. The whole building collapsed..

~A rushed entry~

2007-11-24T13:57:00.000+08:00

Yo ppl! Another long time since I last blogged, miss me my fans? Took this time of just a few minutes before going off for service to blog.. hee..

Lets see some good news: I found a job! Wa its my first job, wonder how things will turn out. I am a temporary medical records "clerk", responsible for separating active medical records from inactive ones in KK Hospital, starting work at 26Nov @$6/hr, office hours with OT pay included (anyone wanna join? So far i'm working alone, really alone w/o anyone familar or not familar. Anyone in for the job? hehe..

Anyway going off liao.. Dad called so took out most of my time.. Tata folks =]

~1st Day of Exam~

2007-10-30T20:32:00.000+08:00

Hello Everyone!! Long time since I last blogged.. Hmmm lost touch with it..

So why am I blogging now? Simply because I'm online and cant watch manga and such.. so.. can only blog while I wait for my friend to send his password and id to my school's portal to me. Woo~! Long sentence man!! Haha..

***After some time***

Sian.. The portal dun have the things I want.. Zz.. Wasted my msges =.=

Anywayz.. About today's paper.. Today we had Phys pp3.. The questions were surprising! Especially the question that asked us to describle the energy changes for a mass attached to a spring oscillating vertically and for a nucleus undergoing radioactive decay. It was worth 8 marks!! 8!! I still remember primary school where they asked us to state the change in energy of an object. Anyway, that question no hope. Then there's the 1st question where they asked about dynamics. The first few questions were okay, but the last one.. hoho.. I asked 2 other friends and all of us got different answers =.= . So far the easiest question is the Quantum question I think. The 1st question is pure memory (but lazy me never memorise and had to depend on the graphs in my head.. gone.. 6 marks..) and the following questions were just simple simple and simple.. Top JCs have the last question or somewhat related questions to it, so all we need to do is to twist it a little to fit the questions. A good source is HCI pp3 section A last question.

Overall, the paper was manageable.. left 20min to slack a little before handing in the paper.. Oh ya today I feel weird before the paper, like all excited and puffed up! I just dunno why I felt good.. Hmmm..

Anyway.. logging off... Shouldnt be blogging anytime soon..hee...

Last Day of School..?

2007-10-12T16:06:00.000+08:00

Today was officially the last day of my school.. No more lessons, no more homework, no more early wake ups for school.. Times where me and my friends get together by the rule of law was over.. I should be feeling sad..

Yet I wasn't.. Somehow, I feel normal, like its just another day of my life.. The fact that it isn't made me confused about myself.. Was it something that happened recently?

If it was, then I would point it to hiding in my home everytime after school. Recently, or should I say, since my Prelims, I had spent most of my day at home. It was to study actually. I brought my friend home to make that person study, as that person cant really study alone and need a motivator, yet that person was unwilling to find one.. So I had to spend my time with my friend instead of my friends.. As time passed, slowly I got used to not being with my friends..

But if it was not, then something is really wrong.. Am I not as bonded to them as I thought I am? After spending 2 years with each other, won't I at least miss some of them? The closest one may be not, cuz somehow I expect myself to see him now and then.. What about the rest? Come to think of it, we may have drift apart a little.. Hai..

Is this always true? Somehow I don't know myself.. This is just a start of a new test on our relationship.. The outcome is still unsure.. May be we'll be seeing each other sooner or later.. I dunno myself..

Well. wait for the result ba.. See the grade for the subject, Friends..

~Blog~

2007-10-04T20:43:00.000+08:00

Waa.. Super long time since I last blogged.. How long was it? Maybe 1mth or more le..

So, what puts me off?

Well, Exams and revisions lo.. Preliminary's a serious thing.. Cant play play anymore.. Plus, I had to devote my time to helping SOME people to make sure they study, even though they are so STRONG in their subjects.. Haha, you know who you are huh..?

That's not the only reason of course.. Its partly because I'm lazy.. There are actually quite a few interesting stuffs to blog about, like the evolution of blogs, my (sad-ed) life being bullied by a girl (really sad lei a guy got bullied by a girl..), and my new acquired freedom! (Mom and Dad went Thailand..)

Another reason.. Recently I got hooked onto bleach and so, I skipped blogging to bleach-ing!! hee.. (to all my fans out there, I'm terribly sorry that I left you out of my life. I'll try my best to make up for it. Continue to support my blog! Woot~)

So, what draw me in?

First and foremost, my number 1 priority, without doubt nor regrets, is to thank Dorcas for helping me with cooking dinner today. My mom went overseas today, leaving my poor bro and I to our own survival. Thankfully, Dorcas agreed to come over to cook for us some dinner. Though the dinner can be improved ( I tried my hands on some part of the process.. especially on cooking the meat, that in the end, the meat is only 3/4 cooked =.= ), I must say that without her, my bro and I have to eat out, with I dun feel like to. The cooking was a lot of fun, and dumb things happen too. We regularly went to the toilet to wash our hands before handling the ingredients, wash our hand again to prepare the water, wash our hand again to handle the ingredients again, wa super dumb la! I cannot imagine a cook doing all that and not get any scolding. Another silly thing is that we kept asking each other how much to add, whether is the food ready etc. Its like 2 blur people trying to cook a decent Spagetti. In the end, the food was so so, but I felt bloated after that. There is a great room for improvement. Not only in cooking, Dorcas also helped to wash the dishes while me and my bro ate our dinner. Felt so pai seh having to depend on her so much, and she's a guest! I cant imagine myself doing just that. Hai..

Up to this point, you might wonder what's my relationship with her. To tell you my fans the truth, I am not sure either. It really depends on how you define a pair to be in a relationship. Strictly speaking, we are mere best friends who likes to play with each other and do things together, like she would say, that's what friends are for, to help and bully. I would play around with her.. err.. fats, like shaking her so her whole body shakes, squeeze the budge on her waist to irritate her, while she would keep hitting my chest with that puny fist of hers repeatedly, making them very sore at the end of the day (it's still sore now). What's worst is that she want me to continue to do push-ups and pull-ups to train up my chest, so that she can hit! Hai.. Sad-ed life..

In terms of time, we have been seeing each other often lately.. During Prelims, she would come over to my house whenever I have morning papers or if both of us are having break.. That's still alright, considering that we settled into a kind of a study group and so its natural to be productive then.. Now, it is still within acceptable level, as we would meet to study, although we would go out every saturday morning to exercise and have some fun! In the very near future, we should be meeting at my house to prepare dinner some of the time till my mom's return 2 wks later, and also to study as our "A" levels draws near (wa "A" level can draw the word near lei.. not bad.. okay sorry lame ==) .. Moreover, she's my main messaging partner now, though that doesnt mean alot as I have only 500 free smses, so I cant have more than 2 main msging partner, and even then post a great strain on my free smses..

What else? Emotionally, we are moderately dependable on each other.. Its really a joy that finally, I can make her be more truthful. In the past, me and nur often see her as someone we can have fun with, someone who is cheerful, but what's behind the smile is uncertain.. But I am glad for this opportunity to see who she was in the past, how she has change, and how is she going.. Its really a pinnacle of a friendship to be entirely truthful to each other.. Her past was not as bright as I thought, but still I am not willing to sacrifice a true friendship and trust to cover my hurt for this fallen expectation.. Rather, by accepting, I actually found a greater beauty in making a mistake, admitting and changing oneself to prevent falling again.. Through her, I learnt to accept friends for who they are and not who we thought them to be.. I learnt to be accepting, and perhaps a little more loving.. Now perhaps what we can work on is to approach each other when we encounter a problem (I am pretty guility of that even though I asked her to approach me if she has any problem, regardless of the time of the day.. Must work on it..). Another realm which we can further on is the number of topics which we talk on.. Though I'm not very sure what topics we usually discuss about, but it seemed centred on her fats and my tickles and our studies and a bit of school life.. Its a little sad but I am willing find out what she's interested in and to try to get her interested in some other topics.. Hee..

Looking at these few points, I can only say that our relationship is somewhere between friends and couples. We may on the outside behave like some new couples, but in fact, the state of our hearts are pretty far from what you call true couples to be. I may like her, but I am not sure of how much she likes me; I do not even know the extend of my love for her.. To those who observe carefully, we are more of a brother-sister relationship, being a support for each other. Unlike couples, we do not hold hands, yet we do quite a number of physical contacts, including messing up the hair. The main motive of the physical contacts is not to generate a closer relationship but just derive some fun from each other. To us, its a harmless pursuit, as long as it is not explicitly shown in public. Sometimes I even wonder whether should I enter a relationship with her when given a chance, where the road is often narrow as we try to walk on the same path, or stay as we are, where the road is broader and allow for some breathing space. Moreover, she has given the guarantee that she will not forsake our friendship for any personal benefit. Its now back to my own problem of tolerance to risk.

Alright now that the relationship is made clear, I can see somehow for myself the state that we are in.. Maybe time will tell the answer to the question.. Now perhaps, I'll test the waters now and then.. How I yearn for more, yet, fear of more..

~Friends~

2007-08-22T18:30:00.000+08:00

Waa.. Took a view of my recent post and they were all very depressing.. So I decided to post this (long delayed one)..

Friends
Hearts
could only love
for a while

Feet
could only walk
for some miles

Clothes
won't forever
be in style

But having you as my friend
is forever
worthwhile
-Text from Xiuyi

Hmmm.. this short simple poem effectively describles how friendship is, how it can satisfy our needs and wants eternally. It says of how we try to satisfy our needs and wants in the world, but they can be just completed with friends around.

Let your friends be the backdrop of your life, for they are like angels without wings...

~Sad..Week..~

2007-08-22T17:39:00.000+08:00

Haix... The weather this few days is really bad. It was cloudy most of the days, the rains at night, no sunshine in the morning. Its really a dampener to my already dampened mood.

I got back the results for my physics and GP test last 2 days. It was not good. I barely passed my physics MCQ paper and I got only 27/50 for my GP. Moreover, I had my chemistry paper 3 mock test today followed by maths mock. The chemistry paper was done badly. I spent nearly 45min of my time trying out the 1st question. The 2nd question was not completed; I don't even know how to do! The 3rd question was moderately tough. So much for doing chemistry June paper on Monday...

In addition, as for my math test, I was stuck immediately at the first question. We were required to find the volume of the area rotated around the y-axis. If I were given this question last year, I would have laughed off at its simplicity. I really regret starting out late, but I guess the situation will turn out the same anyway. The rest of the questions were done with much doubt. I could only remember sketchily how to approach the problem.

Another reason for my down mood, of which I think is the most important, is the fading of colours in my world. Everything looks so dull, and everything looked so distant. Its like there is a layer of something separating me and the things around me. Things seemed to be an illusion, and there are more underneath. I feel lonely, feel so weak against the world. I feel that I am changing, no longer the happy me, but the sad me. I am like carrying a burden everywhere I go, unable to let go, but also unwilling to let go. People say: forgive yourself, I say: I cant bring myself to forgive; people say: Get up! I say: I am not motivated to. This few days I woke up wanting to go back to bed. I had to forcefully tore myself from my bed. Exercising is a chore. Everything just doesn't seemed right!

Is my life growing quieter, or is it me that is just refusing to talk?

~17Aug~

2007-08-17T22:35:00.000+08:00

Today was a pretty down day..The sky was overcast all day.. The rain bashed in the morning, the cold winds blew in the afternoon..

All was not well for me.. cuz.. My rainbow did not appear before me! *sobs

Haix dunno la.. She just kept giving me this feeling that she was hiding something from me.. Think I am thinking too much.. haix..

How to say? My rainbow kind of like rejected to meet up to go home together.. She said that it'll be inconvenient for me.. But the last few times she didn't mention it, so why now?

Perhaps it was all just me and myself playing with my feelings.. Perhaps it was just me unable to accept people who are concerned for me..

But no matter what, I longed for truth.. I am a strong advocate of it.. I can forgive if you admit your mistakes, I can forgive if you feel that you have constraints, but I cannot forgive if you dun tell me anything!

Haix.. Me going dumb..

Anyway, I recently got into the mood for poems.. Not sure why, but was inspired by Xiuyi.. That was a few weeks ago. At that time I was still uncertain about my choice. So there was once during lesson where my heart suddenly burn for her, so much that I can only express my thoughts through poems. That was when I started loving poems..

Created a few recently.. just to share:
~Friends~
Day by day,
Night by night.
Seldom am I by your side.

Truth and false,
Light and dark.
Seldom do I cheer your heart.

But,
Strong you stay,
By my side.
With strength you hold this
Dropping hands.

True and ture,
You always be.
Faithful friend of good spirit.
-sky-

This poem is dedicated to all my friends!! Let us be friends forever and not lose each other =]

~Hypocrisy~

2007-08-17T22:33:00.000+08:00

Darkened night,
Brightened bricks.
How long can we last,
Kidding with such lust?

-sky-

~Truth~

2007-08-17T22:29:00.000+08:00

(In a forest)

I walked down the path.
It looked clear alright;
It was clear alright.
I walked down the path...

I closed my eyes,
Enjoying the scent of the trees,
Enjoying the sound of the leaves.
It's a beautiful journey;
It's a wonderful journey.
I walked...

Bam! into a tree.
Falling back, I came to my senses.

where am I?

Looking around,
Sat on the ground.
Bitterly I cried.
Lost again,
Am I.

-sky-

~Illusion~

2007-08-17T22:26:00.000+08:00

A cloudy sky that refuses to brighten;
A gust of cold wind that refuses to fade.
Lost are the colours;
Lost it the blue sky.
All remains,
a darken sky.

-sky-

~China Friends~

2007-08-13T00:28:00.000+08:00

Hmmm just got to converse with my friend from china, Jiaqi. It was a good talk and I enjoyed it. Our topic drift here and there until it touched on BGR. After some hustle, he got the one he admired to the conversation. Soon there is a flood of his friends to the window and we were having some fun time together..

Then, while a friend of his asked for comments on her blog, that's when I realised that that person is a girl. So stupid of me. I can't even tell from her name. She was thoroughly insulted. Sad. It was the first time talking and I had stepped on her boundary. Luckily she was kind enough to forgive me of my transgression. But I can still feel that she was unhappy with me.

I must improve my chinese somehow. Such incident cannot happen again. Haix..

Just feel so depressed..

haix..

~Cursed Being~

2007-08-10T19:20:00.000+08:00

I look at myself in the mirror...

You! Accursed Being!
Brought sin and shame to my name!
Made me lose my Righteousness.
And tempt me away from God.

How I longed
To squeeze you out,
And throw you
Into the River of Everlasting Fire.

Why?
Why?
Why must you ruin my life?
What did I do wrong to you?

You, who fear Jesus.
The more you attack,
The harder I cling.
Never shall I return to you.
Ever.

Jesus, I am sorry for my transgression. I pray for your perfection. Lead me not into temptations, but deliver me from the Evil One, that I can rejoice in Your Name. Amen.

~Blessed Morning~

2007-08-10T14:46:00.000+08:00

Woohoo~.. This morning was good. I went out in the early hours to jog with Dorcas and Nur in the Woodlands Stadium, followed by fetching my Dad from the airport.

I set my alarm at 5.55am just for a 7am meeting (=.=).. I thought of doing push-ups in the morning before the jog, which luckily I didn't. In the end I woke up sleepily at 6.15am, did the usual toilet-ing, and slack in the sofa. I forced myself not to sleep, just in case I overslept and forgot to wake Dorcas up (MorningCall Service =] ). So time slowly ticked pass.. Finally 6.45am! I gave Dorcas a call, and she sleeping beg for 5 more minutes of sleep (de.. 5min nia.. got difference meh?). Anyway managed to wake her up at the 2nd call. Haiz.. Dorcas is having tuition at 10am, so what to do? 7am is of all the best timing, but all of us were late anyway.

On our way to the stadium, Nur kept whining about the upcoming jog and persuading us to do other stuffs. But of course, we must be true to our word! So Dorcas and me insisted on the jog, and she gave in (wuahaha ><,). Of course, our boi-ins and toi-ins are not to be missed, although to a lesser degree (2 girls lei.. can die..).

At last we reached the Stadium. It was already 7.40am. We went around for 2 rounds (with me pausing near the fitness corner to do my pull-ups, and they just jog pass me.. chey!). After that Nur went to do her sit-ups while me and Dorcas went on jogging. Left only with 1 girl to deal with, the devil in me starts to rise (><,). Every round has no lack of boi-ins and toi-ins, and of course, conversations. Most of the time when we passed the fitness corner we'll attack Nur before moving out quickly (Victory!). At one point we even sang one army cheer (In the early morning run~..). After the jog, at the request of Dorcas, both of us did the training of the core muscles (there you support yourself with only your forearms and toes.. good stay for 1min..). Then we moved on to the side core muscles. Evil her kept throwing leaves at me while I did the full 1min while she stopped halfway. Rrrr...

That's so much for the early morning exercise. We stopped at 8.50am and reached her block at 9.10am. A bit rush for her (sorry la lost track of time.. Shh don't argue or I boi-in you..).

The 2nd part of the morning was spent in the airport fetching my Dad. Though its the same old procedure, I don't know why I feel kinda glad to see my Dad. This was my first time feeling so. Then as I looked around, I saw reunions. Perhaps I received a little understanding of family.

Anyway, it was a good morning.. Nothings like this before, but such mornings will come more often.. Love my best friends, love my family.. Each unique and significant in my life.. Thank God for them.. Bless them.. Woot! =]

~Change of Location, Change of Attitude?~

2007-08-09T10:26:00.000+08:00

(left: PM Lee giving out 2006 National Day Message

right: PM Lee giving out 2007 National Day Message)

I look at the 2 different settings with interest. The picture on the left was taken in Istana while the one on the right was taken in the top floor of the National Library Building.

With a very brief glance at these 2 photos, its easy to see the change in the atmosphere of the message. The picture on the left give a cosy feeling while the one on the right give a sense of impact. It seems to say that the previous years was aimed at giving Singaporean assurance of peace and stability while this year, the theme is visions and dreams.

Moreover, judging by the overall colour, the picture on the right was more bright. A bright light draws more people than a dimmer light. It would seems like he is saying that the future is full of hope.

With a little more detail, the left picture was taken in a room while the right was taken in an open area. It would clearly seems that the Prime Minister no longer want to be seen as taking the backseat but wanting to engage the world, to be relevant. Like a journalist, he wants to give good reports that can give hope to the nation, unlike being some top-notch investors and market observers who will lay down on a chair at their own comfort zone. He seems to be saying that he is not unlike anyone of us, but is like us, and that he understands our need and wants.

Another look at the picture shows a contrast being at the top overseeing the entire nation and being in a room with curtains drawn. He seems to protray that everything IS under control, not by the news and the media but by his own sight. This sense of assurance, unlike the one in the room, is more tangible.

So where does all of that leave us? PM Lee seems to be trying to show that he understands our needs and wants, so he want us to listen to what he has to say. He wants to give us visions and dreams of a Singapore full of hope. With many uncertainties in the world like terrorism and changing global economy landscape, he want to protray his government is able to keep all the problems at bay. His act of stepping out of his comfort zone seems to be calling many others to follow suit, to pioneer businesses.

All of this sum up to him calling us: The world is uncertain, but I can be your guide. Trust me.

P.S. I wonder where will he present the message next year...

This article is based on the personal opinion of the writer. It is written out of inspiration and without theoretical backing nor practice.

~National Day..?~

2007-08-08T20:41:00.000+08:00

Its National Day tomorrow!!! Woohoo~ Yay!!! Holiday!! ...

This is a story of a weirdo who just won't get high on the eve of the National Day. It is a day of celebration, a celebration of joy and hope, a celebration of life, for without it we wouldn't be here today at our present level. But, unlike previous years, I just lost the ability to get "high".

Where's the spirit of the Day? Like a spirit it flows, moving through time, moving with time. Has it gone into hiding? Or has it left us for good?

The spirit of National Day is joy, hope, and life, but as we grow older, these basic feelings had lost us. Is it that we are too sensitive to them that what we feel are below expectations, or is it that we are too insensitive to them that they lost meaning in us.

Are we the cause of our own sad National Day. What does the word "Singaporean" mean to us? Just another label? Is it just strive to make the economy better? Is it all about money and studies?

As we grow, we yearn for closer and strong relationships. Only if this is fulfilled then can we be satisfied, but full of joy and life. But many of us cease to enjoy National Day together. We are either too busy or too lazy, stuffed with work or coop up at home. Isn't it weird that on a holiday many of us chose to stay away from friends and family when they are next to the most important thing to us?

You may think that the school holiday is for friends, but how many times do we find ourselves rushing to finish homework and revising than meeting friends for outing? The National Day seems to be similar to the Teachers' Day: Honor your teachers on Teachers' Day, Hate them for the rest. Like some teachers will say:" You will have a long weekend ahead of you. Please make use of the time to revise and catch up with your studies. "

How can we "belong" to Singapore? Just like any clubs and societies, being a Singaporean goes beyond saying this land is ours. It is to say that these people are ours. We are only Singaporeans when our people are Singaporeans. It is these families, these friends that we feel a sense of belonging. Our government has done its best to bring across the feeling; it is up to us to make it happen. Come on! Get together, be merry! Cast aside worries, and replace it with joy!

Perhaps we should have a extended National Day, like Independence Month or something. Schools are forced to liven up the atmosphere and not bugging the students with work. That way, we can enjoy ourselves and know what it means to be a Singaporean.

Or we can scrap the idea of National Day and just carry on with life.

This article expressed only the personal view of the writer.

~Later part of the day..~

2007-08-08T19:44:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... National Day is just tomorrow, but till now, still long way the the "high" I used to have. The rest of the afternoon was spent messaging her. Wa she was so priviledge to go into a yatch for her sister's solemnisation ceremony. The yatch even went out of Singapore (cuz while messaging her the last of my messages took 20min to deliver..). So nice lo.. Wonder if they get to see the fireworks from it. If they can, then, wow, her sister got to enjoy free fireworks on her important day.

Anyway found out more common grounds between us. Both of us like those classy and romantic kind of marriage. She said that it will cost 10k to hire a yatch. Its like a bomb itself! Fancy chasing after the Singaporean Dream by terrorising ourselves with bombs. Plus the wedding dinner, the honeymoon... seems like only an income of 100k and above can sustain our lifestyle.

I wonder how does she look like right now. I saw a photo of her with her dress on and it looked beautiful on her. But, she didn't put on any jewelleries or assessories so I don't have the full idea of how she will look like today. Should be great!

Okay time to review my post. It seems to be filled with many hopes and dreams. It also reveal just how much I wish to be with her. Okay la its more moderate, but too early for a person like me. 7years down the road should be okay. I seemed to be full of praise for her. Sweetened mouth =.=..

Aiya whatever la.. haha..

~God is Good~

2007-08-08T16:53:00.000+08:00

(Warning : This article is a little religious)

While I was bathing earlier, I received a little revelation of God.

God is good. As my bible says, God created us in His own Image and Likeness. He is not like some floating being or unimaginable, nor is he like an alien. In fact, He is just as human as we are, similar height and feature; He walk the way we do, eat the way we do, work the way we do. He is just like any friend we know, yet closer and more intimate. We can pour out our hearts to Him and He'll understand. Just as we love our friends, girlfriends/ boyfriends, wife/ husband, we can love Him. Our needs are His needs, our wants are His wants, literally. That is why what we want from others is what He want from us. Yet He is above us, not by His fleshly desires but by His choice. He is a perfect example of how we should live. He let rain and sun come upon both believers and unbelievers, telling us to treat all as equals. Impossible to be done? He did it! How great of a human is He? Worthy is His name.

I am blessed for such a friend. Though I cannot love Him as I did to others, I pray that I soon can, I will do His biding. His thoughts and visions are far above us. That is why we follow Him. Like a true friend, ask, and He shall give. Like an understanding friend, He understands our need, but will not meet it unless we ask for it. Like a friend in need, He ask as to help build His Kingdom, as He helped build ours. Like a loving friend, He will protect us. Like any friend, He needs your trust and love; He wants to be in your world, to be next to you, if you allow. A perfect friend; Beautiful is His being.

Quite surprised at my post. The last part was just inspirational, like a revelation. Love His presence, love His being, love His all.

What A Friend I've Found

What a friend I've found

Closer than a brother

I have felt your touch

More intimate than lovers

Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, friend forever

What a hope I've found

More faithful than a mother

It would break my heart

To ever lose each other

Thank You Lord for being a great and true friend. =]

~Abt Blogs and such~

2007-08-08T13:47:00.000+08:00

Hmmm I just realised something about blogs: You dunno who exactly read them unless they tell you. It can be quite a problem in a conversation. This is because how much you should discuss, how you should carry yourself depends on the relationship between you and the person. Since you do not know how much they know, you can only assume either they know or they don't, and suffer the lashing later. It can either be the best secret keeper or the ultimate conversation killer. It may turn out like "Eh? I didn't know you are like that." "Huh? I thought I was always like that? I even posted it in my blog." , or "You know what? There was a time..." "Ya I read it from your blog."

But it does help for people who do not treasure memories or have good memory. It records down all your achievement (if you post them), which can be handy for interviews. All the "lost" experiences and journeys are just a click away, compared to others who have to wreak their brains to come up with something.

So the question boils down to, should we keep blogs? If so, what should we post?

Anyway looking at my last post, I feel so sad about myself. This lovely-dovey stuffs is not for me man! Love is addictive. "I miss you" "I miss you too" . Sian mushy.. (hair standing). Must fast soon one day to keep my emotions in check. But God made us emotional and we should rejoice! Haiz what to do? At least now (as in yesterday) things are not so bad. I had a great time with her yesterday and my emotions were more toned down. Still boin now and then but not like.. ahem.. Not so addicted, ya that's the phrase. For now, just be friends. Oh ya I realised after some reflection that whenever we are together, we become more of people who likes to experience things than to recollect them. Being together can either be totally fun or utterly boring. Music becomes an important connection. Weirdly, we hardly lose any topic to talk about most of the time. Still, I must find the common grounds between us to converse about, something that interest both of us other than church life (can talk until sian..Oops..)

Today's the eve of National Day. When to school, had some bit of fun, and did stupid stuffs. I think that the performances this year was not bad, and I got to see the "face-changing" chinese performance. Wow the crowds really got "high" at how he managed that. (One theory proposed by my friend is that he has a string on his back to pull the mask away from his face. He based it on the performer putting one of his hands between his back and his cloak whenever he did that stunt. But then, how and where did the mask go? Isn't it suppose to be hard that it can't bend?)

Whatever.. Now for pure stupidity.. (Warning: Eye-Burning content)

That's me people.. Haha.. Look like a girl anot? Aiya hands too fat.. Not so graceful le.. Hee.. (Why did I even do that..?)

That's the end of today's "Abt Blogs and such". Hope you enjoy. Updates soon.. hee..

~Blessed, yet Tormented...haiz~

2007-08-05T22:24:00.000+08:00

Wow yesterday was a great day for me; had a workshop on interview skills in the morning, and Festival of Praise (FOP) at night.

The workshop on interview skills was fun. Before it we had some alumni sharing session. We got to converse with the scholar from last year who was planning to study Medicine, a ex-student studying Mechanical Engineering specialising in Design, 2nd yr NUS, another in Medicine again, 2nd yr NUS, one studying chemical engineering, 2nd yr NTU, and even one studying Psychology in NUS! I really admire the student, Rebecca, who studied Psychology. Of all those who speak to us (we were in small groups), she was most effective in bringing forth her ideas, and was very confident in her manner of speech. Plus, she was so chio... even Celine (my classmate) agree la! More importantly, she studies English. Oh ya before I forget, I just realised that Material Science is more of Chemistry. Looking at my Chemistry grades... (demoralised)..

Afterward we move into the workshop. There are various activities. One of them required us to write down (1) the job that we will be getting into, and (2) a job that interest us. We then had them randomly pasted to each of our backs and we had to guess them by the clues others gave. I got (1) forensic scientist and (2) (forgot). The first one was so difficult. It was made harder as we are to ask questions for clues in the form of "yes" and "no" types of questions, not be given clues. My first clue was that it has to do with biology, followed by it being some part in life sciences, some part in health care, something to do with dead bodies. Never will I guess forensic scientist! Sianx.. Another activity that we had is a mini personality test, based on the RIASEC model. My personality is EAI, Enterprising (as in I'm more of a persuader), Artistic (as I do not like conformity), and Intellectual (well..). I was quite surprised at the word "enterprising" as I never considered an entrepreneurial job. But the description of my dominant trait E was accurate.

As for FOP, well it was much better than the day before. The worship by Don Moen brought God into our presence, and the praise by delirious? lifted us up to a higher level. Words just cannot describle the move of God..

The most joyous thing of that day will be the company of Dorcas. We had a great time together. Till now I just cannot describle how we are able to talk and talk and talk. Strange, as I can hardly do that with my other friends. It was really an enjoyable time. We also had time to poke and tickle each other, and played catching with Jia Sheng (Omg catching.. haha..). Just feel so young around her, like the time has slowed, like the air is sweet. Everything is just so beautiful that I have to force myself away during service from this world, lest I lost focus of the Lord.

Yet, I know that she doesn't want to be together. She said it explicitly before. I can't just let go of this sweet-sour feeling whenever I realise that she may be just playing with me, nothing else. It really cuts me. I still remembered on Monday that I broke down because I miss her so, yet I know I cannot have her. I seeked the face of the Lord, to repent for my imprefections, not submitting my all for Him, hoping that He can fill in this emptiness. Miss her so much..

Never mind; I will discipline myself. Now is not the season for a relationship. I am not prepared for it.

Miss you...

~More about yesterday..~

2007-07-26T20:18:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was racial harmony day. As such our teachers dress up to represent the different ethnic groups. Of course, most of them choose the represent the Eurasians, wearing Westernised clothes to school. But of course for the minority, there is something good to look at.

The best dressing teacher (for those that taught my class) was... Ms Lin, our physics teacher! She wore the traditional costume of a Korean woman that was engaged. Wearing a Hanbuk to class, she does look very Korean if you ask me. As usual with the snippets of her life, she introduce us to the hanbuk. There is around 3 layers if I remember correctly. It must have been really tough on her to wear this in Singapore. I still remember in Beijing I wore only 4 layers for 10 degrees Celsius (though its very cold) and it doesn't break my silhouette. Anyway the Hanbuk serves only to enhance her *ahem* cuteness. I guess she must have melted a few more hearts in it. If only she wore the Korean shoe and put on their hairstyle, it would have been great.

So as for how she looks like:

looks like some typical korean teacher

Omg just look at her composure. Its so stable and firm. Its just sad my pictures were dark. I dunno how to use photoshop to brighten the image. But she really look like a Korean. Just can't say enough of it. Haha..

(hey ms lin, wear jap clothes on grad nite k? haha..)

~Not a bad day..~

2007-07-26T18:48:00.000+08:00

Hmmm today I decided to deny myself (i.e. I fasted) again, after yesterday's unsuccessful self-denial. Yesterday while I was fasting, out of my usual behaviour I broke the fast. Just before taking the Australian Math (which I think I wasted my time.. too difficult for my pea-brain..), Erik's clique was passing around M&Ms. Subconcious of what I was doing, I asked for it. Only after I finished a piece and took out another then I realised my actions. By then it was too late. I can only repent later. Still, I continued my fast till 7pm, with many temptations (racial harmony ma.. many food stalls.. Wonder why did I choose that day.. missed good food..).

So how's the denial today? It was still the same. I ate a sweet Niang passed to me, and only during lunch break do I realised my actions. Its gonna be another day of repentence. Hai.. Wasted effort..

Anyway what's good for today? My "cousin" Wenqi had said that I've changed! From very random person to who I am now. So what does it mean? Basically, a random person can be perceived as weird, and the opposite of that is normal. I am now more approachable. ^^,

What else? I had a GP compre test today. It was on meritocracy. Though I won't say I will score, but I feel that the paper was manageable. Hope that it was not just a passing feeling.

Most importantly, I gained a slight revelation! On the bus home, I realised God is calling us to be like the trees, being resourceful, standing firm, bearing fruits, being outwardly beautiful (don't get the wrong idea..), etc. I prepared a little sermon on it. It wasn't done yet, but I feel that it's gonna be great. Whahaha!!

Like a mighty tree shining forth the glory of the Lord!

P.S. I had to deny myself as my discipline has been failing.. Homework undone, sleep during lectures and class.. can't believe it..

~Breaking Free~

2007-07-22T19:01:00.000+08:00

Verse #1
Troy : We’re soaring, flying;
There’s not a star in heaven
That we can’t reach.
Gabriella: If we’re trying;
So we’re breaking free.

Troy : You know the world can see us;
In a way that’s different than who we are.
Gabriella: Creating space between us,
Till we’re separate hearts.

Bridge #1
Both : But your faith it gives me strength,
Strength to believe.

Chorus #1
(Troy : We’re breakin’ free)

Gabriella: We’re soaring
Troy : Flying
Both : There’s not a star in heaven
That we can’t reach
Troy : If we’re trying
Both : Yeah, we’re breaking free (Troy: Oh, we’re breaking free)
Gabriella: Oh~

Verse #2
Troy : Can you feel it building;
Like a wave the ocean just can’t control.
Gabriella: Connected by a feeling,
Oh~, in our very souls.

Bridge #2
Both : Rising till it lifts us up,
So every one can see.

Chorus #2
Troy : We’re breaking free!
Gabriella: We’re soaring,
Troy : Flying.
Both : There’s not a star in heaven
That we can’t reach.
Troy : If we’re trying
Yeah we’re breaking free
Oh~ we'r breaking free

Gabriella: Oh~ running,
Troy : Climbing.
To get to that place
Both : To be all that we can be.
Troy : Now’s the time,
Both : So we’re breaking free. (Troy: We’re breaking free.)
Gabriella: Oh~ , yeah

Bridge
Troy : More than hope, More than faith;
Gabriella: This is true, This is fate;
And together
Both : We see it coming.

Troy : More than you, More than me;
Gabriella: Not a want, But a need;
Both : Both of us breaking free!

Chorus #3
Gabriella: Soaring,
Troy : Flying.
Both : There’s not a star in heaven
That we can’t reach.
If we’re trying,
Troy : Yeah we’re breaking free.
Gabriella: Breaking free.

Gabriella: Were running
Troy : Oh~, climbing
Both : To get to the place
To be all that we can be.
Now’s the time (Troy: Now’s the time)
Gabriella: So we’re breaking free. (Troy: Oh~, we’re breaking free.)
Gabriella: Oh~

Both : You know the world can see us
In a way that’s different than
Who we are.

Great song from High School Musical.. Yeah breaking free from this world, to be in this world but not of this world..

Rar~!

~Sianx..~

2007-07-22T18:49:00.000+08:00

*sigh*.. Today's weather isn't good.. Raining all day.. No mood.. If not for the fact that I had to go church, I would've hiberated for the rest of the day..

*sigh*.. Still have quite a number of homework to complete, at an outstanding number of 7!! How can I complete in 2 days?

*sigh*.. Life is so dull now.. How I wish yesterday wasn't over; Movie and shopping (for the sake of accompanying friends.. not that I like to shop..), I can enjoy life through and through..

*sigh*.. Releasing my boredom.. I shall follow Ruby.. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, .. okay time to start working.. Blog again later.. I hope..

Rar~!

~Me~

2007-07-19T22:11:00.001+08:00

Oh well since its a long time from my last blog, its time i update it again..

Well what had I been thinking these days? After much thought ( or lack of it leading to "much" in that sense), I realise that I am a person who's life is defined by my future, a.k.a. the "perceived future" person.

So what are my plans for my future? Simply:
Career:
-A B.Sc in Material Science & Engineering by age of 23
-A M.Sc in Physics at MIT by 26
-A Ph.D in Physics at Harvard by 28
-A Nobel Prize in Physics

Belief:
-A Pastor of a Church
-Spiritually Hungry
-Strong in the Word
-Filled with Love for Mankind

Heath:
-Healthy and active individual
-Skilled and regular badminton player
-Frequent runner and swimmer

Marriage:
-Get married, have many kids ^^,
-Loving my wife thoroughly, for she is my very foundation and the fruit of my labour.
-Live in a concept house (still thinking which concept is nice for me..)

.. Hmmm many lofty and high goals, but not unreachable. I will try every possible way and doing my best in every way just to reach these goals. (That's why you may at times hear me mention about winning someone in exam.. its just my way of overcoming myself, to make use to this motivation to push myself to my limit.. If it offend, sorry for any transgression.. Just hope for your acceptance of my way of life, just as I to you..)

Its always my wish to do research, and I want to be the best in this field. This may be because when I was young, I used to play with Lego. It teaches me to use bits and pieces to construct an object creatively. It also teaches me to smash every single object so that a better one can be created. I must never be afraid to go against all established doctrine and challenge them.

I also have this wish to be the light for our next generation to know that Nobel Prizes are within reach by just committing into their field, to be useful to my society. I love to guide, showing possibilites to others, so that they may too fulfill their destiny. But first I must establish myself.

The only fear that I have is that my vision of my future fades. This is a very serious problem, for my future is my defining point; it defines who I am by telling who I am going to be. I can visualise myself, when I lost my goals one day, it will be the end of me. Terrifying thought..

For those who share the same interest, this website might prove useful:
www.phys.uu.nl/~thooft/theorist.html

~Harry Potter's Fate~

2007-07-05T21:58:00.000+08:00

As the time draws near to the HP's last book, I went on to search on some theories on both past and upcoming book. I would recommend this site:

http://www.mugglenet.com/editorials/thenorthtower/

Its a super cool discussion on Prophecies and others made using Literature. Currently I only completed till NT7, so can only talk about the prophecies.

"The One with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies.... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies..."

-Professor Trelawney

I like the way Maline interpreted the prophecy. For most of us, "the One" would immediately struck us as Harry, but she noticed the fact that the prophecy did not specifically mention Harry. This uncertainty allowed her to reason that the "Dark Lord" may be killed not by Harry, but by the power inside Harry, like Love, Loyalty, etc. Lord Voldemort knew neither of these things, thus fulfilling the prophecy that "the One" may just be these values. Moreover look at the fact "Born to those.." , thus we can assume that it is the power of Light Side (StarWars terminology) that can kill the "Dark Lord". Look too that there are 2 "one"s mentioned, "the One" and "the one". We would usually caps those that are like "God" "Truth" and "the Way", implying something not so much of physical form but penetrate into the spiritual. "the one" should refer to a person, since he is "born", creating a distinction between "the One" that will vanquish the "Dark Lord" and "the one" who will possess this power.

Also the fact that "Dark Lord" is used instead of Tom Riddle. This opens up the possibility that "Dark Lord" may just refer to the Evil itself and not the person. Note that the word "vanquished" is used to describle how the "Dark Lord" die. According to Longman Dictionary of Comtemporary English, "vanquish" means to defeat someone or something completely. The word to note is "defeat" instead of eliminate. In a war a country may suffer a defeat and lost the will to continue fighting, but it can still be a country. Hence the "Dark Lord" may not necessary meant Tom Riddle himself but the Lord Voldemort, the Evil, residing in him. This give the possibility that at book 7 Lord Voldemort may not physically die but just redeemed from Evil.

Now for a bit of digression:

"..but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not.."

This verse seemed to remind me of a verse in the bible "Then light came, and darkness does not understand it." (forgot where I heard it.) It reminds me of lighting up a candle in a dark room, and suddenly all darkness tries to hide. In order to fully remove of the darkness, a very powerful lighting system has to be used (so that diffraction, reflection and all can overwhelm the whole place with light). This means that the power in Harry has to develop to its full potential. It will be interesting to read how Harry overcomes the darkness in him, the thirst for revenge etc. I predict that in the end (in agreement to maline) that Harry will be successful in killing Lord Voldemort but spares Tom Riddle's life, perhaps overwhelming Lord Voldemort with the power of Love by sacrificing himself and not fighting back at all. Lord Voldemort will "self-destruct" in trying to understand the meaning.

Okay so much for prophecies. Wa Literature sure looks fun. Perhaps study it someday.. haha.. Anyway enjoy the 7th book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Hopes it turns out good.

~My Results~

2007-07-05T18:19:00.000+08:00

Well mid-years has passed and now for the results..

Physics B
Math A
Chem D

(Econs S)

Wa it's really bad. From my end-of-year last year of AAA to BAD.. slack too much sia..

Well regrets are of no use..

Lessons:
-Dont play so much..
-Dont study only the day before..
-Be aware of what I'm writing..
-Dont slack during the paper..
-Dont spend like 5min chosing a question to do!!

Dunno what to post liao.. Hai..

Must strive harder!! Beat Xiu Xiu and Yi Yong! Most importantly myself!!

Rrrr!!